Let's face it, if you're a mom with a newborn you may as well give in and embrace the world of Twitter, and chat online at 2 a.m. instead of watching those infomercials. If you haven't entered the world of Twitter yet, make 2012 the year to get online and in the know. Worried about what to expect? I've prepared a handy roundup of all Twitter happenings you've been missing this past year, as they relate to kids, homes, and husbands, so you'll be caught up. Ready? Here we go:
• Moms don't sleep, and the first thing they do when they're not sleeping is to tweet out the fact that they're not sleeping, which causes them to stay awake longer. Which they will also tweet about the next morning. And occasionally throughout the day, as they're also not napping.
• None of us exercise enough, according to our outside voices on Twitter. And the ones that do work out, as a rule, we don't like. They're just bragging about it. It's not motivating at all. (You might want to go back to watching late-night TV ads for Thigh Masters if the "Fitter Twitter" tweets get to be too much for you.)
• If you want reinforcement to have that next glass of wine, eat that extra piece of chocolate, blow off the lunch date with that Mom down the street you really don't like, or to prove once and for all your husband can't do anything right, you've come to the right place. Vent ladies, vent. For support and for that extra piece of chocolate. (Just don't expect any virtual pats on the back when you try to work it off the next day.)
• People really don't tweet about what they had for breakfast. Unless they take a picture of it first. Don't even get me started on dinner. Or snacks during Glee, Real Housewives, or TheBiggest Loser.
And because the new year always has us thinking about resolutions -- things we will stop and start doing to have a better year -- I'll let you learn from my mistakes and share my own personal Twitter resolutions on what to stop:
1 Tweeting out any remarks, photos, or comments that in any way suggest a nine-year-old boy is still "cute" or "adorable." He's a Jedi Warrior (Awww how cute is that?).
2 Tweeting out any type of bodily function that any children have. It's really not necessary. This type of thing goes on ALL THE TIME. (The functions, not the tweeting. Ok, both.)
3 Tweeting out something that describes a situation that is unfortunate, but happens to all of us, and then ending it with "That." For example "You know when it takes you eight hours to make dinner and the kids eat it in two? That." I know, right? Boring. That.
Run out of things to say? No worries. You can always tweet about what you just bought on the Home Shopping Channel at 2 a.m. A "tweep" will then back you up on it, and convince you to grab a glass of wine while you're doing it. Because that's the way we Tw-roll.
Kathy Buckworth is an award winning humour writer and television correspondent on parenting. Read Funny Mummy every month, visit www.kathybuckworth.com, and follow Kathy's own Twi-venutres on Twitter at www.twitter.com/kathybuckworth