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Kolby Solinsky

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If Every NHL Team Was on The Bachelor(ette)

Posted: 07/20/11 02:38 PM ET

Well, we're almost at the end of this current season of The Bachelorette and it appears that the NHL may be the only major North American sports league in operation come October.

Therefore, I have an idea.

After 23 years of being alive and bleeding nothing but hockey and after watching approximately a season and a half of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, I feel compelled to link the two.

As if that's not ludicrous enough, I will take it even further by comparing each NHL team to a stereotyped contestant from either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.

Enjoy.

1. Anaheim Ducks -- A contestant on The Bachelor
The third-place girl that gets her own spinoff after she "loses" to a team that -- simply put -- got on a hot streak.

2. Boston Bruins -- A contestant on The Bachelor
This contestant once had a great thing going with her husband, her one true love, otherwise known as Bobby Orr... Since then, it's been a history of bad dating and tough luck, but she's come on the show for a second chance at love. (She gets it.)

3. Buffalo Sabres -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
Some guy on this week's episode got kicked off and said something like, "What am I gonna do? I'm just a simple butcher from New Joysey." Seems like it fits here.

4. Calgary Flames -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
The guy who does impressions and thinks everybody loves him/finds him funny.

5. Carolina Hurricanes -- A contestant on The Bachelor
She's either going to go to the final two, or she'll get kicked off halfway through the season on a group date.

6. Chicago Blackhawks -- A contestant on The Bachelor
The older chick who tries to seduce The Bachelor every night and talks about the other girls behind their backs.

7. Colorado Avalanche -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
He's just here to round out the full list of 25 guys... he'll get kicked off in the first episode, and the first time you remember seeing him is when he has to say goodbye.

8. Columbus Blue Jackets -- A contestant on The Bachelor
The sweet blonde who you kind of hope gets some consideration, even though you know she has no shot, and she gets kicked off on her first one-on-one date.

9. Dallas Stars -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
He started off really well, but then proved himself to be crazy by Episode 5.

10. Detroit Red Wings -- A contestant The Bachelor
Big boobs, sweet personality, has a steady job that pays well but not too much, has a nice family and makes a good first impression... always a perennial threat, just a boring result if she's the winner.

11. Edmonton Oilers -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Awwwww...

12. Florida Panthers -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
Looks at all the other guys and tries to copy what they're doing.

13. Los Angeles Kings -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
That weird guy that tried to kiss The Bachelorette when he first met her... it's your first time here in a while, pal, just take it easy...

14. Minnesota Wild -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
Defense wins championships, but so does scoring goals... I don't know what that has to do with the show, but this guy is so boring to watch that your mind starts to wander to other things whenever he's on screen. This guy is the reason why you occasionally have ADHD.

15. Montreal Canadiens -- A contestant on The Bachelor
The girl that has a bad date and breaks everything in the house. And, she smokes.

16. Nashville Predators -- A contestant on The Bachelor
--The sweet blonde that makes it all the way on charm and the "I'm a single mom" factor... she gets picked and then dumps The Bachelor, showing her claws once and for all.

17. New Jersey Devils -- The Bachelorette
She's been here before and she thinks she knows what she's doing, but she decides to go with Ilya Kovalchuk and the engagement falls apart immediately after the Final Rose Ceremony.

18. New York Islanders -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
The dude who got drunk and passed out and started snoring 30 minutes into the first date. Also, he thought signing Rick DiPietro to 15 years was a good idea.

19. New York Rangers -- The host, Chris Harrison
He never takes home the girl, but somehow you've got the idea that he's just really enjoying life and that he probably has a bigger house than any of the contestants...

20. Ottawa Senators -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Still clinging to her glory years, this girl was hot 10 years ago, but she's now close to 40 and the years are showing more than they used to.

21. Philadelphia Flyers -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
Uber jock. Likes football. Thinks everything is "for pussies." Thinks the guy with a mask is a loser. A really original personality.

22. Phoenix Coyotes -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Was supposed to get kicked off, like, forever ago... turns out, the show's editors just made it look like she wasn't going to get a rose to throw the viewers off the scent, and she's still kicking well into the final episodes.

23. Pittsburgh Penguins -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
This dude should have ran away with the Final Rose, but a couple of freak accidents derailed his season.

24. San Jose Sharks -- The Rose
Gets picked by everyone, but it dies unless handled very carefully.

25. St. Louis Blues -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Is a really fun time, but just not the right girl for The Bachelor - not right now.

26. Tampa Bay Lightning -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Wants to be clear -- VERY CLEAR -- that there are so many girls here that are SO much more beautiful than she is... meanwhile, she goes to South Africa for the Final Date while those girls drop like flies.

27. Toronto Maple Leafs -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Tells The Bachelor every episode that she can change and be a better person, but she ultimately reverts back to old habits and he kicks her off saying that he's had enough and that "he can't do it anymore"...

28. Vancouver Canucks -- A contestant on The Bachelor
Makes it harder on herself by never committing to The Bachelor and by never answering his questions in a straight-forward manner. If it gets tough, just dump it deep and change, okay? This contestant could have had it all... instead, she lost and trashed her living room.

29. Washington Capitals -- A contestant on The Bachelorette
He's only on the show because he thought a different girl was going to be "The Bachelorette." Has decided that he should stick it out because he's "a competitive guy." Doesn't really understand how to win, but knows that winning is something he should probably want to do. Works in life insurance but always wanted to be a celebrity. One time, though, he did pull over on the freeway and help a lady change her car tire...

30. Winnipeg Jets -- The Bachelor
The dude on The Bachelor, otherwise known as "The Bachelor," who has to decide which girl he wants to choose simply based on whether or not he has to relocate to where she lives.

 

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