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Let's Talk About the Modern Alpha Male

08/22/2015 10:59 EDT | Updated 08/22/2016 05:59 EDT

To begin, I'd like to be clear in saying that I want NO PART of the modern alpha male.

This is not to say that I have any issue with the true concept of an alpha male. If you look back to the Neolithic period, alpha males were the ones who ensured the survival of themselves and their tribe. They lead the pack, hunted for food, did some baby-making, and made humanity thrive. If you were an alpha male, you were guaranteed a sporting chance at beating a saber tooth tiger in battle, should the need arise.

Women wanted alpha males so that they could have more babies. (because babies = the survival of the human race). Creating a thriving, human population was essential at that time, and Neolithic women instinctively knew that if they mated with the alpha, they would be in a good position. The strong, powerful alpha male would get them food, help rear their children, and keep them safe from saber tooth tigers (I imagine that a lot of decisions depended upon avoiding saber tooth tigers).

Then, evolution happened. Saber-tooth tigers became extinct and humanity continued to thrive. After several thousands of years, there wasn't always a need to hunt for food, or even make as many babies as we did in the past. As a result, the importance of the alpha male role slipped into the realm of asset as opposed to necessity.

But Neomasculinists are bringing it all back. They are beating on their chests, picking bugs out of each others' hair and demanding that they get respect. The re-defined, modern alpha male is a man who believes in traditional gender roles, that homosexuality is a sin, that they deserve sexual satisfaction from women, and are occasionally seen carrying a Bible and a Confederate flag. They believe that it's time for men to be men and women to be women, and yes, they would love to define those roles for you (never mind that the concept of their "traditional" gender roles are relatively new and based only on SELECT cultural views).

There are men who travel all over the world claiming to teach men how to reclaim their power as alpha males (Roosh V's recent tour is a prime example). Speaking in auditoriums that are less attended than my friend's daughter's Bah Mitzvah, men like Roosh V teach other men the necessary skills to approach women and assert their sexual dominance, thus becoming alpha males.

The Internet is full of these wannabe Neolithic men. You can see their comments on Twitter, Reddit, and every Internet dating website ever. They say that they always tried to be the nice guy, but women didn't want to have sex with them, so now they're going to take back their power. They're going to be alpha males now, seducing women and leaving them in their tracks so that they can finally be validated.

(Please allow me to get out the tiny violins for you gentlemen).

Pick Up Artist Alan Roger Currie once told me that women still want to be with alpha males because they want better sex. Well, if alpha males are now the Neomasculinists mentioned, then I say no thank you, sirs. I will happily take a beta male. I would prefer to be with someone kind, loving, and emotionally available than to be with someone awful.

Yes, I would sooner adopt a thousand cats and haul my old ass over to the couch to watch Coronation Street on repeat sooner than I would get with one of these new-fangled alpha males. I would dye my hair blue, pierce my entire body, and wear a shirt that has a feminist symbol emerging from a giant vagina sooner than I would engage with a new age alpha male. And even further, I would take a life time of no sex over great sex with a terrible person.

I mean, this is just my opinion. I'm sure that there are thousands of women out there who would love to get busy with an alpha male while he talks about how smart he is because he once read Jonathan Swift. People like Roosh V are still out there talking, so there has to be someone listening. Snake oil can be an effective cure if you truly believe in its magic, so maybe there are some women out there who really just want to be the picture of these men's vision of feminine perfection.

But that's not me, gentlemen. In fact, it's not any woman I know either. Every woman I've met in my life (and there have been a lot of them) have just wanted to be treated like you would want to be treated, as an equal. I can only deduce that although these other women MAY be somewhere, they aren't in the street, or at the park, or at the coffee shop, or in the club, or in your city, or in your country.

Anythings is possible. The new age alpha male can keep believing that their "beta" male friends aren't eclipsing you. As honorable as the alpha male may be in principle, it appears as though they may be going the way of the saber tooth tiger.

Come to think of it, maybe we should bring back the saber tooth tiger instead. They'd probably be a lot more fun.

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