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How to be Awesome: 10 Easy Tricks of the Trade

06/16/2013 10:04 EDT | Updated 08/14/2013 05:12 EDT

There are endless ways in which to be awesome. Endless books, videos, and articles written on the subject. What an awe-inspiring topic on which to reflect. Or rather, on which to gloat. Awesome-ness. Because when you've got it -- you've got it, baby. And so in a spirit of generously spreading around the wealth, I humbly submit my top 10 ways in which you (like me) can knock the socks off of both family and friends via your insatiable quest to personify awesome-sauce.

I give you...the keys to awesomeness. In no particular order of significance (but numbered Late Show Top Ten Liststyle for your viewing pleasure).

10) Over-schedule yourself each and every day, so that every time people see you in passing, they will take notice of you running your brood from one necessary commitment to another. It helps if these commitments are totally unrelated and in opposite geographical locations. That way you run harder. Frenzied and breathless. I try to over-schedule by at least 26 events each and every day. I will vouch for the fact that I am never bored. And I sleep pretty easy, to boot.

9) Never, ever think before you speak. Spontaneity is so much funner. More impulsive and exciting. And I find I have gotten so good at this one that I am saying things that even I don't understand. It's kind of like a built-in intellectual puzzle -- a mind game I play with myself. And it has trained the kiddos to be amazing critical thinkers.

8) Be late for everything. When you are late, you cause everyone else around you to look more responsible and mature. It's a public service, actually.

7) Try not to over-exert yourself as a parent. Give your kids the gift of imperfection. Your example will be a shining star for them for the rest of their lives. A kind of "what not to do" template. And they will have the unique privilege of one day knowing they were better at this parenting gig than were their own mediocre parent(s). I am speaking solely for myself right now. And NOT for the awesome Hubb-ster.

6) Get in the habit of adding built-in exercise to your daily routine. Instead of actually exercising, I work with my perpetual lateness and just run around the house like a chicken with its head cut off. Multi-tasking at its best. Add a fancy pair of running shoes and you've got yourself a work-out regimen. I get my best run in from 7:00 a.m. until 8:00 a.m. when I am frantically running up and down the stairs fifty-bazillion times. All in an effort to try to get ready for work and then get there within half an hour of the acceptable check-in time (give or take).

5) If you have children, raise them to be warriors. Literally. The sooner they realize this is a "dog-eat-dog" world the better. Let them pummel each other. And often. They will survive. And if you're real lucky, someday those same kids will be fierce enough to properly represent you in small-claims court. Because we all know that day is coming for awesome, run-off-their-feet parents like us. Nothing is more sure for me than that last statement.

4) As a parent, try not to play by the rules. Playing by the rules is for ninnies. When your children accuse you of having favourites, assure them you certainly do. And that favourite would be your oldest. And inform them that that child is now living in Hollywood with ________________ (fill in your pop star) where they eat hotdogs and Doritos all day in front of a 70 foot television. Solely because you liked them more.

3) Use television, computers, iPods and any other form of available media as your stand-in babysitter. They are always available on weekends, are relatively cheap, and provide limitless entertainment. No-brainer.

2) Resort to bribery when necessary. It works like a charm. (As in, "If you would please, please go play with your Barbies RIGHT NOW, I will let you use your brother's iPod when he is not looking.")

1) Realize that nothing in your arsenal of tools as a parent is more powerful than your own sense of humour. It can take a dismal situation and totally turn it around for good. Without it, awesome parents like myself would never survive. Believe you me. Laugh often. And loud. Snort whenever possible. It is the best medicine this world could ever offer.

At the end of the day, we all know that awesome is as awesome does. It takes time, practice, and dedication to make it to the big leagues. My motto: Aim high and live life large, while never losing an opportunity to convey your story in equal parts sarcasm and sincerity. And may your life always be flavored with... a generous dash of awesome-sauce.

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