Lydia Lovric "Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."
-- Author Donna Ball from the novel At Home on Ladybug Farm
Perhaps celebrity E! News anchor Giuliana Rancic should put down the tabloid magazines and pick up a good book instead. The emaciated reporter recently confessed that she puts her husband first and her young son second.
"We're husband and wife, but we're also best friends, and it's funny because a lot of people, when they have kids, they put the baby first, and the marriage second," explains Rancic during an interview with US Weekly. "That works for some people. For us, I find, we put our marriage first and our child second, because the best thing we can do for him is have a strong marriage."
As a wife and mother, I question Rancic's priorities.
While it's undoubtedly true that one of the best gifts we can give our children is a happy and loving marriage, it's difficult to wrap one's head around the notion of placing children second. Especially young ones.
Giuliana and Bill Rancic welcomed baby Edward Duke into the world last August. That makes baby Duke less than nine months old. He can barely walk or talk yet he's already playing second fiddle. It seems a bit asinine to say the least.
One would hope that parents could be mature enough to realize that once they have a child, that child should be the first priority. It doesn't mean that you love your spouse any less. It just means that things like feedings and diaperings and 3 a.m. fevers take precedence over date night.
The time for being selfish stops the moment a baby enters the world. If a baby's own mother or father is not prepared to put that baby first -- who will?
Obviously, this is not to say that couples shouldn't make some time for themselves. It's important that through the sleep deprivation, the constant crying and recurring ear aches, mom and dad still find occasion to laugh and be romantic with each other. But both partners need to recognize that even these things evolve and change after parenthood.
We have three young children (ages two, five and seven). My husband knows only too well that my days of neatly coiffed hair or high heels are -- for the most part -- long gone. I'm lucky. He still considers baggy pyjamas and a messy ponytail sexy.
Likewise, I don't need a fancy restaurant or an expensive bottle of wine in order to be happy. When I see my husband rocking our youngest to sleep, singing a soft lullaby, I melt every time.
Our role as a parent changes over time as well. Right now, because our children are so young, they need us a great deal. I'm sure down the road, as they approach the tween years, our kids will need us less. In fact, there will come a time when they will barely want us around (except to borrow the car or grab a quick bite to eat). That's fine. It's perfectly normal.
But it's really difficult to comprehend a new mom like Giuliana Rancic -- who tried so long just to have a baby (and eventually had to hire a surrogate) -- confess her child comes second.
Growing up, I always knew that my parents put us kids first. I'm sure it wasn't easy -- but they shared a common goal and neither one resented the other for being a parent first and a spouse second. In fact, one could argue that being an excellent mother or father makes you a better partner.
Tenneva Jordan said it best when she wrote: "A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."
Parenthood is all about sacrifice and selflessness. You cannot be simultaneously selfish and a good parent. It just isn't possible.
Someone like Rancic would likely not be interested in pie either way, but hopefully she can at least appreciate the sentiment.
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Lydia Lovric is a former writer and broadcaster turned stay-at-home mom. This article originally appeared in The Hamilton Spectator www.lydialovric.com
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The only thing that I took from this article, the subsequent comments, and several days of personal email exchanges with her, is that this woman essentially feels it alright to bully and judge somebody who is a complete stranger to her. I would think that with bullying being such a hot topic at the moment, this sort of behavior would not be tolerated, especially, but not only if, she is being paid for her work.
If she desires to have a debate about the effect of thin women in the media on young girls, she should take the example of the blogger (I can no longer find the post) who broached this subject in a more critical manner a few days ago. There are very thin women in this world who are this weight for a variety of different reasons, one of which includes anorexia. We, as outsiders and members of the general public, are not qualified to and should not attempt to make this diagnosis for particular individuals. As a victim of such comments from others, despite being perfectly healthy, I take particular offense.
I hope that Lydia apologizes for the unfounded comments she has made that in no way supported her opinion piece.
2. Considering the extreme manner in which Rancic analyzes every liquid and solid that enters her own body, I do find it very odd that she seems to care so little about the formula her infant is ingesting every four hours.
3. Rancic made a judgment when she issued the first comment regarding prioritizing spouses over children. She made it seem like anyone who places children first is not correct. I have a right to disagree with her statement. And really, even if you do place more importance on your spouse, what kind of parent makes that known to his or her young child?
4. What happens if the Rancics split and Giuliana remarries? Does hubby #2 still take precedence over the kid?
5. I am an opinion writer, not a reporter. The entire point of writing an opinion column is to argue for or against something.
1. Reality shows are scripted. Just as your shtick is to berate others, hers is to play clueless housewife. Let's assume she really doesn't know how to prepare formula and is a bad mother. How does this disprove her opinion on parenting or support yours? It doesn't. It is irrelevant.
2. Everybody should scrutinize everything that goes in their body. It is not a dumping ground. She obviously knows her baby eats formula - it doesn't starve.
3. You have a direct quotation from Giuliana in your article which does not sound judgmental at all. She recognizes that different things work for different people. Are you reading in judgment because of some deep rooted insecurity you have over your own choices?
4. Good thought - maybe? If so, is this a bad thing and why?
5. Right, the point is to argue for or against something NOT someone. Writing or reading an article that berates somebody is zero value added.
The only thing that I took from this article, the subsequent comments, and several days of personal email exchanges with her, is that this woman essentially feels it alright to bully and judge somebody who is a complete stranger to her. I would think that with bullying being such a hot topic at the moment, this sort of behavior would not be tolerated, especially, but not only if, she is being paid for her work.
If she desires to have a debate about the effect of thin women in the media on young girls, she should take the example of the blogger (I can no longer find the post) who broached this subject in a more critical manner a few days ago. There are very thin women in this world who are this weight for a variety of different reasons, one of which includes anorexia. We, as outsiders and members of the general public, are not qualified to and should not attempt to make this diagnosis for particular individuals. As a victim of such comments from others, despite being perfectly healthy, I take particular offense.
I sincerely hope that Lydia apologizes for the personal, offensive, and unfounded comments that she has made.
In an effort to give Ms. Rancic the benefit of the doubt, I decided to watch a few episodes of her reality show. Not having cable or satellite TV, I will admit that I have never seen her shows prior to today. My article was based on Ms. Rancic's recent comments (which had made the rounds in mainstream media) as well as some pics from recent award shows.
I wanted to see if, despite her comments and everything else, she might still come across as a loving and devoted mother.
Here is what I found:
A clip from a show that apparently aired when Duke was about four months old. Bill's mother is supposed to babysit - but Giuliana asks if she knows how to prepare formula. In the clip, Giuliana admits that she does not know how to prepare formula.
Sorry, but if a mom doesn't know how to do this very basic thing - and the kid is already several months old - it tells you what kind of mother she is and just how involved she is in her baby's life.
http://www.stylenetwork.com/tv-shows/giuliana-and-bill/videos/detail.jsp?id=199680
It would be much better journalism to discuss priorities in families without tearing up another mom's choices to do so. This is very bad form.
You would think that even if she has an army of maids and nannies she would be interested in knowing what goes into her child's stomach!
Yes sometimes we should judge!
Just because you can't afford to have someone else perform life's drudgery, doesn't make you a better mother than her.
Keep in mind that one day, your daughter will read your articles. And all she will see is that you spent way too much of your time tearing down a reality TV star you've never met. She may even ask why you didn't spend that time with your husband instead.
And my other beef is this: why do women automatically think motherhood means baggy pajamas (yuck!) and no high heels? Why do you have to sacrifice how you look? Why do writers like the author of this article assume that a woman is a poor mother because she actually puts an effort in looking nice and dressing? How does curling hair mean your a neglectful mother?
Parents who dote on their children too much are helicopter parents. There is nothing wrong with putting the husband first once in a while. Because Rancic is right - you will have a happier child because of it (also, what was with the author's digs at Rancic's weight? We all know she has an eating disorder, but this isn't what this article was about).
it by us before going ahead. It was a goal they both hared and it was the same in my
marriage; children first. Since the children came to me first on matters; I would let them
know daddy needs some mommy time; going out to dinner without them; but I made
sure they had things to do with the babysitter. Balance of love to all makes the
ideal family.
The author provides some insight into the emotional connection she has with her own child but provides no evidence that that is the most important factor in a healthy family. Using Reality TV stars as test subjects does nothing to support her premise.
all that said, I have seen and (I believe) lived where the offspring were most important and it is bad for marriages. Think about it. Are the kids going to be the ones there to take care of you when you're sick after they're grown up? A spouse pledges to live the rest of their life with a person. Doesn't that deserve a great amount of deference?
count me as totally disagreeing with the author.
We shunt our parents off to homes and kick our kids to the curb as soon as we can, we have lost our family communities, we don't have anyone to help us with the kids because we grow up and act like our parents suddenly are not part of our core family. This is not an issue of extra activities it is an issue of being willing to sacrificing for the whole.
You may have an argument if you say that families need to start to live more multi-generationally but that has not been the practice for white anglo-saxon families for many generations, not just two.
Children have definitely not been told they have to wait. They have been given more and more and more the moment they want it. We always have snacks on hand so they don't wait more than two seconds for food, we have video games and portable dvd players so that children don't have to spend a single moment bored. Children are the largest growing market for consumable goods and parents are paying into it more than ever. Time to say no more.
That means she did not get the rush of oxytocin during pregnancy, delivering and breast feeding. She gets some, of course, with cuddling and everyday activities, but it's not the same level. Oxytocin is key to build a bond.
That's not to say she is right. Adoptive parents, and indeed all fathers, also don't experience those levels of bodily-chemically-induced bonding during those exclusive mother-child moments, yet most put the child first (fathers are also more likely to have a distance with their child, though it is not remotely always the case). It is merely and tentative hypothesis for an explanation.