Dear Boys,
Some really horrible things happened to someone who could be one of your friends, and it was done by some people who could be your friends. You're 11 and almost-8 now, so the incident that made me write this letter isn't something you've heard about, but this stuff keeps happening, unfortunately. So I need to talk to you about it.
First of all, I know we talk all the time about how special your bodies are, and how you're the only one who gets to decide what to do with your body. I've never made you put anything in your mouth that you didn't want to, or touch anyone you didn't want to, or talk to anyone you didn't want to, because I wanted you to understand that you and you alone control your boundaries. We worked on blowing a kiss so you could show that you liked someone without having to touch them, and high fives if you were ok touching them but only with your hand. We talked all the time about not letting people tell you that what you wanted was wrong or that they knew better, and that you should always always tell your dad or grandma or me if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable.
And we talk all the time about making sure that if you're touching someone else that they want you to be touching them. That if they say "No" you have to stop right away (even if it's just fake-punching your brother) and that even if they aren't saying "No" you need to make sure they're still enjoying it. You know how sometimes you like to be tickled and sometimes you don't? Well, everyone's like that, so even if they liked it when you did it yesterday, you should still make sure they really want you to today, whatever kind of touching it is.
Now I'm going to talk about sex. I know you know "how it works" because we've been talking about it ever since you two were little, since before you could read, and you know all about sperm and eggs and penises and vaginas and vulvas and orgasms and condoms and all that. And I know I told you it feels good and you had a hard time seeing how that could be true but took my word for it. Well, the thing I didn't tell you is that it feels unbelievably amazing when you're doing it with someone who really wants to be doing it with you. Like, better than popcorn followed by ice cream, or a Supah Ninjas marathon, or two snow days in a row. You know how excited I get when I get a new pair of shoes? It's like 500 times better than that, when the person you're doing it with is so excited to be doing it with you that they start asking you for it.
This is what I want you to wait for. I want you to wait to have sex until the person you're with asks you for it. Tells you they need you now, and that they can't wait, and they want it. Calls you by your name and asks for it.
If you're ever in a situation in which someone is asking you for it and you don't want to have sex with that person, don't do it. And if you're ever in a situation in which you want to have sex but the other person doesn't ask you for it, don't do it. It's only good if you both want it, and can tell each other you want it, and are sure you both want it. Otherwise someone's going to get hurt. And romance is weird enough without hurting other people when you can stop yourself (and you can always stop yourself -- that goes along with having opposable thumbs).
This letter is almost over but this next part is super-important: Not everyone you know has been taught all the stuff we've talked about. You are going to know people, and maybe even be friends with people, who think it's ok to hurt other people in a lot of ways. One of those ways is sex. I know you're going to hear other boys say things about girls, or sometimes about other boys, that means they don't care about those girls' feelings or bodies. When you do, I need you to step in. All you have to do is say something like, "Dude, that's not cool" or something that lets the person saying something nasty know that it's not ok. Remember that everyone wants to fit in. If you can take control of the mood in the room by letting them know nasty talk isn't ok, they'll stop so they don't look like an idiot.
Remember how we talk all the time about how we're the people who help, who fix things when there's a problem or someone's in trouble? You may get the chance to do that someday. Because those boys who say nasty things about girls may actually do something to those girls. If you are ever anywhere where boys start hurting a girl, or touching her in any way that she doesn't want, you need to step in. If she's asleep or drunk or passed out or drugged and can't say "no," you need to step in. Remember, it's not good unless both people can say they want it. If a girl isn't saying anything, that doesn't mean she wants it. If she isn't saying specifically that she wants it, then it's wrong.
Here's how you should step in:
1. If it's safe for you to say something, say something. In a loud, commanding voice, tell the guy who's doing it to stop, and make sure he knows it's not ok and he can't be an asshole (sorry to curse, but by the time you're in this situation you'll be cursing, too). Then help the girl get to someplace safe, and call her parents. (Even if she thinks she's going to get in trouble, call her parents. If they're mad at her, I can talk to them and take care of it.)
2. If it's not safe for you to say something, leave the room quietly and calmly and call me. I do not care if you're someplace you're not supposed to be, or not the place you told me you were, or in Canada or someplace that would normally get you in a lot of trouble. You get immunity if you're calling for help. My phone is always on, and it does not matter what time of day or night it is. If I don't pick up right away, call your dad, and the same immunity rules apply. Call one of us and give us the address of where you are and we will come help. Then hang up and call 911. Tell them the address and that there's an assault going on. They might want you to stay on the line with them until the police get there.
3. Even if you don't like the girl, step in. Even if she's been mean to you or snobby, or someone told you she did something you think is gross. No matter what she did, no one should hurt her. If you step in, the next day you can go back to hating her. If you don't step in, well, how are you any different from the loser who's hurting her? You know who you are. Step in.
4. Do not worry that everyone will hate you if you stop the cool kids from doing something. Stopping someone from hurting another person makes you a hero. This is what you're here to do. And if there are people who don't like it, screw them. Your dad and I will do anything it takes to make sure that anyone who doesn't like your being a hero stays away from you and keeps their mouths shut.
We have been practicing for this for a long time, for being the ones who help. Remember when we were in the middle of the knife fight on the subway and we got the other mom and kid out of the way? Remember when we helped my friend move away from her scary husband? Remember all those times we took pictures of those freaky dudes staring at the little kids at the playground? We've been practicing to step in and help someone else. You can do it. I have faith in you.
Love,
Mom
*This blog previously appeared on AskMoxie.org
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Christian Piatt: 5 Questions After the Steubenville Rape Case
At 16 I was at a party with people I considered friends and I got way too drunk and I passed out. I woke up with searing pain in my vagina and the heaviness of someone on top of me. As I realized was happening I started crying for him to stop, telling him no and pleading for help. I heard laughter. The other people that were there were laughing at my struggles and cries for help. Exhausted and still very drunk I passed out again when he stopped. The nightmare started again as another so-called friend did the same thing to me. Since I was drunk I believed I deserved it and so did others.
It's hard to even share this story because I fear being criticized and blamed for it again. I just want to be honest in hopes that people see the need to talk to their children honestly. In my house you didn't talk about sex or even say the word, and I feel that contributed to me being victimized. I think that any parent who does their best to educate their child about these things is commendable, even if they aren't perfect.
It seems, by your advice, that most Americans are very sensitive to touch (a normal sign of friendliness in most other countries) and that I must be a potential rapist, as I assume you believe all men to be, even if by accident, which is why we must secure a solid request from our partners, if even by name (regardless of any values you might have taught us, I guess).
What if she is inebriated or otherwise cannot make a sober decision and yet is asking for sex? I know I should turn it down, but how will I know if she really means to request sex? Perhaps I should put together a pad of "sex request forms", and have her fill them out? A blurred signature would surely indicate an incapacitated mind.
Also, about amazing sex? It seems to me that we have a completely different perspective of sex, since I believe every single boy my age would consider the thought of ANY sex to be amazing beyond the capacity to imagine.
So, I'll probably just tell you what you want to hear, since it seems you don't understand me at all. Thanks for confirming that.
Signed, your boys.
*letter torn up so Mom will continue to believe advice is sound*
“And we talk all the time about making sure that if you're touching someone else that they want you to be touching them.”
There seems to be an obsession with touching being pounded into these boys. Result: They will be colder, less open, and more concerned about being perceived as offensive. Since most boys are not offensive, this, coupled with the focus on how women will be sensitive to all of their actions (how they will perceive this) will increase shyness and aversion to social settings.
“I want you to wait to have sex until the person you're with asks you for it. Tells you they need you now, and that they can't wait, and they want it. Calls you by your name and asks for it.” This will spell either the end of any hopes for sex (since asking for sex is a complete turn off, either way. Have only ever heard prostitutes approach sex in this way) or cause the boys to ignore mom completely.
These boys are learning to communicate their wants, actively listen to the wants of others, and that will only work well for them in their future.
This is more a product of Hollywood than commonly experienced. Most people don't "ask" for sex in any way...things just lead to it and body language tells the whole story. Not "conscripted" by a long shot. I would say "conscripted" exactly describes not doing anything until she specifically asks for it.
Verbalizing sex approval (much different and more specific than "physical needs") takes away from the impulse of the moment...and most women say it is a turn off.
Those who've experienced dating women, know very well it would be extremely rare that she ever outright asks for sex/or implies it...no matter how heated the moment, how much she may be grabbin at him, etc...she is not going to ask for it. These boys will quickly realize unreal is their mom's advice from their experiences. The problem is, when you exaggerate something too much (ie...the manner in which her boys are "allowed" to follow through with sex requests) - you lose your credibility...it does not better prove a point, and Mom's views will become a joke. Seen it too many times and know it well.
When you start dating women, we'll talk.
Which concept is fine by me, since sex should be in marriage. But the manner of portrayal was ludicrous. "She Fears You" is an even worse curriculum, but similar in the skits etc.
Men, you've made your own bed. You can't have it both ways: assault and disrespect women in every possible place and expect that women should trust you all the same (on the risky oft-chance that you in particular may turn out not to be an abuser).
Stop assaulting women. If you (generically speaking and not) don't do it personally, teach other men not to do it, though various means and at every opportunity. Show respect for women, in words and deeds. Do not dismiss their concerns.
When she feels safe, she will no longer fear you. But as of now, she doesn't -- she's learned not to -- so she won't.
Years later my 14 year old daughter encountered the same public humiliation. She came to me in tears , feeling frighted and ashamed. This I took as an opportunity to speak to her about the reality of being female in a patriarchal world where the distinct gender differences have serious life implications and consequences. I introduced to her the language of sexism.
I spoke to her about issues of inequality and about abuse and sexual violence. Although she had had her first experience of sexual denigration , I expressed that throughout her life she would have to endure much, much more! Certainly, she was valued as a full human being by myself and within her own home, but within the public realm her female status was not yet fully equal to that of a mans. She would have to be vigilant and cautious throughout her life, Certainly an unspoken rule all women eventually must learn and continue to fight until we are grated our full equal rights !
It's merely more good advice, and needed just as much.