There are six basic truths that you should be aware of if you want to be really happy in love. Having this knowledge will enable you to transform a so-so relationship into something that's deeply satisfying.
Secret #1: Face the truth about each other. You need to see and accept your partner for who they are. If this new clarity means that you discover some things you just can't stand, or if you realize that you've been settling for less than you really need, then there's no point in staying together.
Don't force yourself to tolerate things that are fundamentally unacceptable to you, and don't waste your time trying to make the other person change. If you can't be happy with who your partner is now, you'll never be happy with them.
Your partner also has to see and accept you just as you are. There's no point in presenting a "cleaned up" version of yourself because then they're not loving the real you. You can't feel loved if you're being inauthentic. If, on the other hand, you've shown your true self to your partner and they're not OK with the real you, it means you need to walk away. You never be able to make them accept you.
Secret #2: Your partner isn't responsible for giving your life meaning, and vice versa. Both people should be complete human beings, each with their own work, friends and pastimes. You should complement each other rather than complete each other. Each person should be an individual in their own right.
If you've given up parts of your identity in the relationship because you think it'll make your partner like you more, you're wrong. Your partner chose you for your unique qualities. Losing these special attributes would mean depriving your partner of what they were attracted to in the first place, and will cause you to become frustrated and resentful.
Secret #3: Mutual respect. There's no place in a healthy relationship for contempt, shaming or being dismissive. As soon as any of these attitudes become part of the relationship, it's doomed. Both individuals must value their partner's needs, feelings, thoughts and dreams. Respecting each other builds the love.
Secret #4: Trust one another. There's no real intimacy without profound trust. This trust should be based, however, on both people demonstrating to the other that they're trustworthy. When your partner has shown you that they're honest, reliable and honourable and when they've seen the same in you, real trust can happen. This makes it possible for both of you to be vulnerable and yet safe.
Secret #5: Don't expect the other person to heal your emotional wounds. This means that as wonderful as love is, it isn't the cure for what ails you. It's your responsibility to work on whatever emotional baggage you might be carrying from your childhood or from previous relationships, as opposed to burdening your partner with this expectation. Your lover isn't your therapist or your surrogate parent.
Secret #6: Make your partner happy and they'll do everything they can to make you happy, too. The more love and care you give to them, the more they'll want to give to you.
There's an important exception to this, however. Your partner must be emotionally healthy enough to reciprocate your love and attention. If you've been trying your best to make them happy and they aren't doing the same for you, it means that things will always be one-sided. Walk away so that you're free to be in a good relationship.
A successful romance is mainly a matter of common sense. Be realistic with your partner; stay true to yourselves; maintain your separate identities; be kind and generous and don't burden each-other with inappropriate expectations. When you come together as conscious, responsible adults with lots of love to give, you can't help but create a meaningful and satisfying union.
Follow Marcia Sirota on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@rcinstitute
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It assists you / partner to acknowledge what really IS important to yourself/each other.
It works like this:
0 - 4: Write down things which are OK, don't really matter one way or the other, not much interest.
5 - 8: Write down things which ARE important to you, what your PREFERENCES are,
things you feel STRONGLY about. The higher the number on the scale, the
more important/preferential .
9-10: 9-10 represent the NON-NEGOTIABLES. NO "negotiations" or "compromises" here.
This represents "oxygen" to you.
It's worth taking the time to do it and one DOES need to be REALLY HONEST - Better to do it on your own rather than in front of anyone else. That way, you don't get under their influence / approval.
You may be surprised what you come up with. You may discover why you constantly keep tripping over someone else's "hot button" / keep meeting their resistance.
We ALL have "non negotiables" / "strong preferences/importances". The REAL deal-breaker relationship problems occur when we DENY them to OURSELVES/PARTNER and/or when we sell out on them.
It is worth doing and it DOES show up what is or is not there in your relationship - not just in personal/romantic relationships, but in your work, social, family, friendship, professional relationships as well. After all, why settle for less - ANYWHERE! It's YOUR LIFE. GIVE IT YOUR BEST!
show what you feel
what is returned,
you will know
you have earned
those are really the only relationships I feel comfortable in
In this case, I think you really nailed it.
1- Have sex
2- Maintain a personal/solitary space
3- Don't have kids
4- Don't spend too much money
5- Have sex.
I'm as contrarian, curmudgeonly, and cynical as they come and would like to parse my disagreement with any or all of your assertions but I am unable. I cannot honestly say that ALL six "secrets" were present in ANY of my relationships until I met this one girl with whom they were. Coincidentally we're still happily married twenty two years later...go figure.
http://theregjoe.blogspot.com/2011/05/relationships-faq.html
Here's another secret: if you always want to leave, you were never there in the first place. You have to want to work on problems; find common ground to build love again. Giving up isn't always the best option.
I was mearly pointing to the "leaving" aspect the author continued to discuss. If I left every time the author told me to, my husband and I would not be going strong. And there is much we have been through and go through and will go through. I think the best advice I got was from my grandmother and it's the line, "You have to want to work on problems, find common ground to love again." It is only at that point that you realize they/you don't want to work on it or there is no way for common ground in love that she recommend leaving. This coming from a woman who has been in a relationship for 28 years (she left my grandfather), has been the best advice for me. Family suicide, divorce, severe illness, poverty/homelessness, infidelity and disrespect are just a few things my husband and I have gone through. I'm glad you know it was the right decision for you, I wish you the best.
Good luck.