Friendship, like many other things in life, can have an expiration date. There are some friends who stay with you for your whole life but there are also many friends who come into your life and are part of it only for a certain amount of time.
Through our lives, we grow and change. Ideally, our friends will grow and change with us. As we mature, we develop different attitudes and different needs.
Some things that we considered necessities in the past become things we can do without in the present; some behaviours, political views or religious affiliations that we could accept before become deal breakers, today.
We realize that some people act in ways which didn't bother us so much when we were younger, but now these behaviors have become intolerable.
As we grow stronger, healthier and more conscious, we begin to see all of our relationships much more clearly. We identify the friends whose values we once shared but who we see today as just too different from us.
Sometimes we simply grow apart as we make life choices which put us in different social or economic circles. Some people choose a more traditional lifestyle while others opt for a bohemian way of life.
If we're middle-class and our friend has become wealthy through inheritance, career or marriage, it might complicate our relationship unless both of us are able to handle this potentially tricky situation.
We can also get into conflicts or misunderstandings with an old friend. As we evolve and change, they might still be attached to seeing us a certain way. If they're unable to accept the new, more improved version of us, the friendship can't be sustained.
I've heard of a few instances where one person got married and their friend began acting funny around them. People get used to a particular dynamic and can be resistant to seeing it change.
If we've always been available at the drop of a hat and now have responsibilities and commitments associated with being a spouse, our friend may not be willing to accept this.
If our friend can't get over the fact that we're no longer at their beck and call, or if they become jealous of the affection we're giving our spouse, it may mean the end of the friendship.
Then there are the so-called "frenemies." These are people who we thought were our friends when we were younger and less aware.
We were invested in being kind and understanding, so we made excuses for their bad behavior and put up with their unreasonableness.
As we grew older and wiser we were able to see that their jealousy, competitiveness, complaining and attempts at exploitation became tiresome.
Their demands for attention, frequent crises and most especially, their betrayals could no longer be explained away. Our growing consciousness made it clear to us that this person had to go.
So, whether it's because you've grown apart because you no longer share the same values or lifestyle, or because you realize that the friendship isn't giving you what you need ( and maybe never did), it's time to un-friend this person.
Ending a friendship can be done simply by not responding to phone calls, texts or emails and gently letting the person get the point, or it may require a 'breakup' conversation.
Sometimes the former is preferable, especially if the other person is likely to become very hurt or angry by such a conversation.
It's upsetting and embarrassing to be rejected, so if we do have the talk, we owe it to the person to be as kind as possible. On the other hand, we also owe it to ourselves not to get into a major conflict over a relationship that we no longer want.
If the person won't take a gentle hint, or if the breakup conversation results in their becoming demanding or aggressive or if they try to make us feel guilty, we can feel justified in cutting off the conversation with no further explanation.
Many of us are sentimental about our friendships and want to believe that they should all last a lifetime. We need to be realistic about the true nature of friendship.
While some friendships will be sustained for many years, even forever, many people in our lives will be there only for a certain period of time, and this is perfectly natural and acceptable.
Follow Marcia Sirota on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@rcinstitute
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Dr. Irene S. Levine: There's No Such Thing as an Easy Breakup Between Friends
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Dr. Irene S. Levine: When a Friendship Breakup Spills Over to Family
Facebook's New Datacentre: a renewable-powered friend?
When it is time to say good-bye without burning the bridge, can be a bit tricky.
The first one was when I was in college, and started seeing my girlfriend. I lost my two closest friends at that time. They just couldn't accept that I had a girlfriend in my life, and had some other interests in life besides hanging out with them. They were great guys, but I wanted to have other experiences besides just hanging with them. To this day, (I'm 56), I regret how these friendships ended.
Another such un-friending happened to my future wife. She was life long friends with someone. Her long time friend dropped her when we got engaged. She just couldn't accept that my wife to be had a serious relationship, and was involved with me. A sad piece of the story is that my wife told me how they were so close. They used to share everything, talk about dates, talk about guys, the whole nine yards. Yet when my wife became serious with me, this friend of hers just couldn't accept it. She didn't even come to the wedding.
Ideally, friends would be forever, but life doesn't work that way. I was recently looking through our wedding album, and noted that there were a number of people, both friends and family at the wedding, whom we have little or no contact with anymore. This article really resonated with me about an issue many of us face.
Another couple is also more well-off than I am but I knew them before the inheritance and it has made no difference. Same thing - when they visit we have a great time and none of our personalities has changed.
A former friend, however, has gone by the wayside. Tried to excuse her behavior due to medical problems, but then realized that she had been controlling and our beliefs and ways of life even before those problems were just too different to make the friendship worth keeping.
My decision on friend or non-friend - if knowing the person enriches my life and makes me a better person, then they are worth keeping as a friend. No - we don't have to agree on everything, but we do respect the other person's opinions and beliefs. Otherwise, bye-bye and it is an acquaintance and not a friend.
Didn't talk to her for years because of this behavior . Recently she asked me to donate my kidney,
her third transplant , she was non compliant , still drinks too ! SO how do I convey to her that I am no longer the person she thought I was , nor do I want anyone around me who would think that in the first place. Unfriend her ???
And with cultures. Is our friendship with the South over?
When people say "Support unity!", part of me is like "Why?" The South is so hostile; we don't seem to have much in common; their religious/political views are deal-breakers; they don't seem interested in keeping the friendship going...
(This is, unfortunately, a serious post)
Then again, there are also many different kinds and degrees of friendship, involving many different forms of symbolic and/or material exchange, so I guess it would help to know the specifics of any given case. I agree, though, with the general principle that it's sometimes best to cut ties.
How do you feel about lying to make oneself less "friendy" in the eyes of an unshakable acquaintance? The nature of the lie would depend on the nature of the relationship. If a candid good-bye talk is out of the question, this could help catalyze a mutual withdrawal and might be more humane than treating the other person like a semi-nobody for who knows how long.
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only tricky if both parties have no class.
It also doesn't help that my partner of eleven years is a homebody and doesn't like to entertain. Hard to have friends when they don't feel welcome in your house! We are very different in how we approach friendships.
So all of you having to worry about which friends to cut loose...remember, be thankful you have the choice...is this person who I want to have in my friendship pool? There are some of us in positions that make maintaining friendships almost impossible, i.e. distance.