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Rob Ford Wasted All His Sincerity Wishing He Could Change the Past

11/06/2013 08:10 EST | Updated 11/06/2013 08:10 EST

Rob Ford spoke to the media twice Tuesday -- twice!

The first time he admitted that yes, he had in fact smoked crack in the past but he doesn't really remember it (which is why he wants to see that video).

The second appearance seemed on the surface to be innocuous, it was just a statement with no questions where he said "sorry" a lot, and I mean a lot. He didn't specify for what exactly he was apologizing but from his past statements we can only assume it is for (a) drinking too much, or as he calls it "getting hammered" (b) smoking crack (c) getting caught doing (a) and (b). Of course lots of people are also pretty angry about his (d) habitual lying about (a-c) and other things (e) his absolutely viscous attacks on journalists who correctly reported many of these things and thus were doing their job very well and (f) other stuff, just Google it.

However, in this second speech he made one particularly impassioned comment which I think people will overlook but which has truly cosmic importance. It began by him saying:

"I'd do anything, anything..."

Now, perfect completions of this sentence include:

  • "...to make up for what I've done to those who put their trust in me. And that's why I'm going to resign."
  • "...to make this city a better place. And that's why I'm resigning as Mayor and I will let the people of Toronto decide if I should be Mayor in the next election."
  • "...to heal the damage I've done to the city. And that's why I'm resigning from politics forever and moving to Iqaluit."

As you might have heard, he didn't go with any of those. Here's how he finished that sentence:

"...to change the past."

Really? You're expending all that sincerity on how much you'd like to change the past? Is that something you're close to being able to do? If so then this is much worse a claim than even he probably realizes.

You see, his smoking crack that fateful day is now a fixed point in time. So many people know about it and have seen evidence of it that there is no way it could have failed to happen. Even if the mayor had the ability to change the past in principle he wouldn't be able to change that event. River tried doing just that and look what happened (careful, spoilers!) she almost destroyed the entire universe and Time itself. But the mayor says he would be willing to anything to change the past. So we must assume that includes destroying the universe.

Rob Ford, you arrogance truly knows no bounds. Or maybe you just don't watch Doctor Who, I don't know, either way it's a horrible character flaw.

Police Surveillance Of Rob Ford