Would the federal government please cut it out with their War of 1812 ads? One minute, I'll be watching some riveting event of sportsmanship at the Olympics, and then suddenly CTV cuts to commercial, and I'm treated to an array of cartoonishly noble characters attired in soldierly red coat and womanly bonnet, circa Regency England, with platoons aiming bayonets at the American frenemy, and I'm like: WTF, federal government? Nobody cares about the War of 1812. It happened two centuries ago, before Tim Hortons and hockey. It doesn't matter.

Maybe if this were an ad promoting Canada's national parks (and their cool forts) I could understand the campaign. But instead it appears to be a lone ad, or public service message or whatever the hell it is, promoting the simple, inherent fact that we once had this war.

And they air it all the time. Which is the most baffling part, because companies usually do that when they're hammering home brand recognition. Are we meant to rush out and buy a Laura Secord action figure-that-no-one-is-selling? Or really what is the hoped-for objective? Are we meant to begin pridefully associating ourselves with the Battle of Lundy's Lane?

Raise your hand if you think that Canada's abiding sense of brand nationhood is based on British Red Coats winning a series of pitch battles in Upper and Lower Canada 55 years before we actually became a coast-to-coast confederation?

Do I see any waving fingers out there? Anyone? Surely someone is prepared to use the expression: "As Canadian as Mom, rhubarb pie and the War of 1812."

No?

No, I'm going to presume not. Because here is what happened during that war (and may historians forgive me the dollar-store summary): In the late 18th-, early 19th-century, the Americans were still all fired up over their Revolution and throwing air punches at England when finally, under President Madison, they decided to press their luck against Britain's territorial holdings along the 49th Parallel.

A whole lot of wild-aimed shooting ensued, on battlefields so thick with gun smoke that frequently nobody knew who was who. It was bloody and arduous, and confused. After two years of lunging about and blowing up forts, the Americans essentially called out "My Bad!" and retreated to New York and Michigan.

Commerce and tourism almost immediately resumed.

I'm oversimplifying, but the point is that the tour guides in Niagara Falls after the war of 1812 were often the soldiers who'd fought in the war, and they would tell their tourists that either the Americans won a given battle or the British did -- depending upon the nationality of the tourist. This, I learned from one of the contemporary museum directors in the area, who apparently didn't get the memo about the fire of Canada's character being forged in this epic clash of nations.

If the war of 1812 was foundational for anything, it was for the future of Niagara Falls tourism. On the first centenary, in 1912, Laura Secord got turned into a chocolate.

Traditionally known south of the border as "The War America Forgot," 1812 is a chapter in our pre-history as a sovereign state. It can't be dusted off and used as the basis for a new, jingoistic identity.

Why, then, is our austerity-obsessed government blowing scads of cash on a weird, propagandistic TV campaign? During prime time Olympics coverage no less. Don't they realize we can just watch our amazing women's soccer team for free?

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• Enough For Bronze

  Canada's Mark Oldershaw gestures after finishing third in the men's canoe single 1000m in Eton Dorney, near Windsor, England, at the 2012 Summer Olympics, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

• Bronzed Smile

  Canada's Mark Oldershaw displays the bronze medal he won in the men's canoe single 1000m in Eton Dorney, near Windsor, England, at the 2012 Summer Olympics, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Natacha Pisarenko)

• Silver Smile

  WINDSOR, ENGLAND - AUGUST 08: Adam Van Koeverden of Canada stands on the podium with the Silver medal following the Men's Kayak Single (K1) 1000m Canoe Sprint Finals on Day 12 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at Eton Dorney on August 8, 2012 in Windsor, England. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

• It Takes Two

  WINDSOR, ENGLAND - AUGUST 08: Roland Kokeny and Rudolf Dombi of Hungary celebrate winning Gold in the Men's Kayak Double (K2) 1000m Canoe Sprint final on Day 12 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at Eton Dorney on August 8, 2012 in Windsor, England. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

• Up...

  Germany's Pascal Behrenbruch competes in a long jump decathlon during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

• Up...

  Canada's Damian Warner competes in a long jump decathlon during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

• And Away

  Netherlands' Ingmar Vos competes in a long jump decathlon during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

• Say Cheese

  Norway's Eirik Veras Larsen celebrates in front of photographers after winning the gold medal in the men's kayak single 1000min Eton Dorney, near Windsor, England, at the 2012 Summer Olympics, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. (AP Photo/Armando Franca)

• Under A British Sky

  LONDON, ENGLAND - AUGUST 08: Athletes compete in the Women's 800m Round 1 Heats on Day 12 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at Olympic Stadium on August 8, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

• Trailblazer

  LONDON, ENGLAND - AUGUST 08: Sarah Attar of Saudi Arabia competes in the Women's 800m Round 1 Heats on Day 12 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at Olympic Stadium on August 8, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

• Hammer Time

  Canada's Heather Steacy competes in a women's hammer throw qualification round during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012.

• A Smiling Smith

  Canada's Jessica Smith reacts after competing in a women's 800-meter heat during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012. Smith qualified for the semifinals with a time of 2:07.75

• No Gold For Huynh

  Canada 's Carol Huynh (red) locks arms with Hitomi Obara of Japan in the semi-final 48kg Women's Freestyle Wrestling at the Olympic Games in London on Wednesday August 8, 2012.

• Not Enough Power

  Canada's Ian Millar, from Perth, Ont., rides his horse Star Power over a jump in the first round of the Equestrian Individual Jumping final 2012 Summer Olympics Wednesday, August 8, 2012 in London. Millar finished ninth in the event.

• Taking One On The Chin

  Canada's Eric Lamazerides rides his horse Derly Chin De Muze over a jump in the first round of the Equestrian Individual Jumping final 2012 Summer Olympics Wednesday, August 8, 2012 in London. Lamazerides finished 29th in the event.

• Canada's Only Shot At The Decathlon

  Damian Warner of Canada takes a throw in the shot put decathlon during the athletics in the Olympic Stadium at the 2012 Summer Olympics, London, Wednesday, Aug. 8, 2012.

• Onto The Quarterfinals For Nyhaug

  Canada's Tory Nyhaug places 20th overall following his seeding run at the BMX event at the 2012 London Olympics, Wednesday, August 8, 2012. Nyhaug will race tomorrow in heat 2 of the quarterfinals.

• Triumph Followed By Defeat

  Canada's Martine Dugrenier (red) celebrates after defeating Henna Johansson of Sweden in the repechage of 63kg Women's Freestyle Wrestling at the Olympic Games in London on Wednesday, August 8, 2012. Dugrenier advanced to the Bronze medal bout but lost to Mongolia's Battsetseg Soronzonbold.

• A Bronze For Huynh

  Canada's Carol Huynh celebrates her win over Isabelle Sambou of Senegal in the Bronze medal match in 48kg Women's Freestyle Wrestling at the Olympic Games in London on Wednesday August 8, 2012.