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It's Justin Bieber vs. Rob Ford in the Crazy Game

01/24/2014 05:41 EST | Updated 03/26/2014 05:59 EDT

I don't know if any of you realized this yet, but two southern Ontario men are on an absolute tear right now grabbing international headlines. Their paths are becoming eerily similar, and the world is basically waiting on either, or both, of them to bottom out.

Introducing first, weighing in at 163,078 grams, fighting out of Etobi-crack-cocaine, Ont., he is the current GTA mayor-in-title only, Rob "the White Rasta" Ford.

Introducing his challenger, weighing in at 7 gold chains and a box of eggs, hailing from Stratford, Ont., he is the reigning, defending Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Favourite Male Singer, Justin "don't call me vanilla" Bieber.

At first I thought the turn of events were isolated. However, as time passed, I have come to the hypothesis that both of these gentlemen have challenged each other to a game of celebrity horse. If you are not familiar with the game, its premise is quite simple. One celebrity, who has grown tired of the fame and its associated financial rewards, challenges the other to a series of one-upmanship, except the challenge is to see how cray (this is not a typo, it is a genuine rule of the game, since it was developed by the iGeneration) you can act in public, and see who gets away with it.

What, you're a loud unapologetic mayor who wants to end the gravy train and hates bicycle lanes? I just broke up with Selena, again!

So you think you're tough because you hang out with all lil' everybody from Calabasas? Let me introduce you to my friend Sandro Lisi.

Justin please, you think underage drinking is hood? I show up to functions, half in the bag and keep one hand available to grope.

You run from paparazzi? I shove them off my property and call them pedophiles.

You make young girls cry? I make older women cry, after I run over them in council sessions.

And so it went on, harmless, so we thought. But then things got intense. Like Jesse Spano, I'm so excited, intense.

The mayor raised Justin's frat boy antics and pulled a page out of Tyrone Biggums playbook and decided to experiment with crack-cocaine... as part of a drunken stupor. Justin, without too many options available to him, re-raised the mayor and did what any over privileged 19 year old would do: go drag race his rented Lambo and get a DUI. With Justin calling his bluff, the Mayor did the only thing a cornered card player can do, go all-in, break your promise to stay off of alcohol and get caught swearing in Jamaican patois while intoxicated, allegedly.

Even though we find this duel tremendously entertaining, it is actually quite unfair. You see, Justin realizes something about the nature of his challenger's position. I am reminded of that very famous public service announcement from my childhood of Astar the Robot: Justin can act like Charlie Sheen, Rob Ford can't.

Justin Bieber is an artist. His whole reason for being is to provide entertainment. If he did not help one single human being on this planet, he would still be able to collect his paycheck at the end of the day, how else do you think Nickelback has made it to this point? Last time I checked, Justin is not an elected official of anything. If Justin bottoms out, maybe the Bieber name will forever be tarnished, maybe Justin gets a VH1 Behind the Music special, and maybe then Drake will have a reference point of what exactly the bottom looks like.

But Mayor Ford did not start out as a celebrity, even though he has likely become one. Politicians are supposed to be boring, lead very uninteresting private lives, and eventually fade out of public life and into the name of public school. And if they are interesting or popular, it should be because of things they cannot help. Perhaps they are extremely good looking, or maybe they are irresistibly charming.

But, if you plan on taking a selfie in your boxers exposing your Anthony Weiner, getting caught picking up a prostitute, smoking crack or anything else that may land you as the question in Jeopardy, then you are no longer the king in the king's court, you have become the jester; and not even Disney has made a movie depicting a jester becoming king, that would just be too absurd. Please note, Disney has made an interracial love-story movie about a princess falling in love with a frog, if that tells you anything.

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