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Samantha Kemp-Jackson

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"Daddy Daycare" and Other Misconceptions

Posted: 05/24/2012 4:54 pm

You can't babysit your own kids. That's fairly obvious.

At least in the case of women, or so it seems.

Apparently those in possession of the double-X chromosome are the only ones that are the true "parents" of their children; men are merely "caregivers," if you believed the U.S. Census bureau.

This topic was recently brought to light via the media. Read all about it right here.

Women with children are "moms," pure and simple, if you take this somewhat misguided argument to its logical conclusion. Men? Well... they help out every so often. This is the subtext of such a mindset and, lets admit, the continuing inequality of the sexes, both male and female.

We've had a long and entrenched history of assigning roles, rules and rights to a sacred few. Perhaps its how we have managed to maintain our sense of order and, to some of us, our sense of superiority. Ironically, we as women have long suffered the blows of a patriarchal society that has diminished both our rights and our sense of importance. Yet a large number of women subscribe to the philosophy that men just don't make the grade when it comes to the case of their children.

Case in point: When I'm away from home, my husband takes care of our children. I am perfectly confident that everyone will be fine, yet I can tell you that more than one person has asked me if my husband will be "babysitting" our children.

Babysitting. I'm still shaking my head.

No one would ever ask a man if his child's mother was "babysitting" their children, but yet the inherent message of asking this question to a woman is two-fold:

a) That women are the primary holders of responsibility when it comes to child-rearing

b) That men are incapable of fully assuming an equally adequate and loving parental role

Both of these assumptions are not only downright wrong, but insulting, to boot. Insulting not only to the man who has been slighted in the equation, but to the woman who has to bear the brunt of pressure, responsibility and the ins and outs of parenting.

We as women have worked hard to be viewed as equals with our male counterparts and yet many of us are perpetuating the stereotype of men being inefficient and ineffectual. Could it perhaps be that we may be collectively threatened by fathers' abilities that may be on par with our own? Or perhaps the fact that the very close bond that exists between many mothers and their children may be thwarted by the dad who is ready to change yet another poopy diaper while mom is away on a business trip?

Whatever it is, it isn't good and it helps neither the mother nor the father in changing the long-standing stereotypes about the day-to-day duties of "real" mothers and fathers.

For as long as people continue to perpetuate the myth and stereotype of not only men as inadequate, ill-equipped and insufficient parents, but women as the do-all, be-all supermoms of an alternate reality, we all suffer. No one can live up to unrealistic standards and everyone who tries will be invariably frustrated and disappointed in the process.

So if my point isn't clear in this long preamble, I'll simplify it by saying this: "babysitting" is a task that is performed by individuals other than the mother or father of a particular child, ergo you can't babysit your own kids. The perception of men as mere babysitters of their children and mothers as the only ones who are able to adequately care for the the kids is one that needs to stop. It diminishes the importance of both parents in playing a key role in the raising of their children and does injustice to us all -- mothers and fathers alike.

 

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09:00 AM on 05/29/2012
My wife and I have swapped the stay at home back and forth a few times over the span of our 12 year marriage. I discovered the hard way that there is a lot of gender identity issues still going on in the 21st century. I tried to get play dates, or trips to the park with other stay at homes, but found the women thought I was weird, or some sort of creep for asking. Great, so how do I socialize my kids? Older family members called me a leech, and a bum. Umm, excuse me? was your wife a leech when she raised your kids, cleaned the house and cooked while you ran around playing neanderthal? I think we need to have a sit down in this country about where we are at, and what we expect. Insulting a dad for being a father to his children is ridiculous. Im going to stop here, because this is a topic that gets me riled up.
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Samantha Kemp-Jackson
11:17 PM on 05/30/2012
A "leech" and a "bum?" You're kidding, right? If not, that's pretty unbelievable. In terms of the shunned playdates, I'm so sorry to hear. It's unfair to assume that a father wanting to help their child socialize is some sort of sociopath or worse. Clearly we've got a long way to go with respect to the prescribed "roles" that each parent plays in a child's life. The closer we get to accepting and celebrating the fact that both men and women are equally responsible for the healthy, well-being of a child's growth, the better we'll be. To that end, however, we've got a ways to go, considering the comments that you've unfortunately received.
07:55 AM on 05/31/2012
I agree. No I am not kidding. These were things said directly to my wife, sometimes in front of me. lol. 
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WilliamL
10:19 PM on 05/26/2012
After my years ts a stay at home parent, the double standards and hipocracy are as blatent and what you say is true. Men are treated as second class parent regardless if they are full time stay at home parents and/or part time. I put up with a rediculous amount of commentary, insults, and judgement from other paretns, mothers, and teachers.

My experience has left me with little patience with much of the rhetoric in regards to female empowerment as have experienced first hand how female behavior, of some, has mirrored unacceptable male behavior. It is interesting to see how some women advocate and encourage men to take on positions that they themselves have rejected. I have found it interesting how some women advocate that men remain home and care for children and suport their wives careers and income, a position they rejected.

One time a woman said to me, "is all you want to be known for is caring for children ?" If all I am ever know for is taking care of children, if such is the only thing written on my tomb stone, that would be not only a fine thing but a more honorble and noble comment that so much that so many pursue in the process of delegating such to others in the form of day care workers and nannies.
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Samantha Kemp-Jackson
08:36 PM on 05/27/2012
So strange and sad that someone would ask you such a question. It's likely that they wouldn't pose the same question to a woman, sadly. Raising and caring for children is one of the most important things that anyone - man or woman - can do in this life, and if you get it right, you've done well. Kudos to you and all of the other men and women who dedicate their lives to raising their children as best as they can.
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WilliamL
08:42 PM on 05/28/2012
I found the question interesting and also reflective of a certain attitude of some women today which I believe is becoming more prevelent. The ability to produce life is the one thing that trully seperates men from women yet the willingness to nurture that life is something that more and more women want no part of.

In all honesty, my time caring for children since both were in diapers and through the years that followed is a period of my life that is beyond an "accomplishment" and on so many levels supercedes the rest that I could have or have done.

When my mother passed the year between the births of both children, we were having a family photo taken in a park where there were quotes etched into stones on a wall. I took a photo of one that said, "The beauty of marriage is not that it creates children but that children create adults."

We can split hairs on everthing prior to "children creating adults" but do believe that last part is true. Some fail to recognize the wisdom of infants and children hold prior to even being able to speak. For those who have abandone their children for careers and status, they will never know or understand......................................................................
04:17 PM on 05/25/2012
I don't know, I think you are right though. I have only traveled for work 2x (2-3 days each time), and both times, friends had my husband over to dinner to look after him. Even though he's perfectly capable of surviving on his own. I've offered to do the same when the neighbor's wife was traveling too.

But my husband travels a LOT, and the 3-5 day trips are VERY hard on me, which is why I try to offer to help any friend (male or female), going through the same thing. I haven't had anyone offer to help out in a long time, sadly. :( Full time job, 6 year old, 7 months pregnant...mama could use a break people!!
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Samantha Kemp-Jackson
11:56 PM on 05/25/2012
It's funny that while people may have the best of intentions at heart when they offer to help out, it often means that unfair stereotypes are perpetuated. It's great to have family and friends who can help out, but that's what those who are not the parents do - "help" - and it's NOT what dad does (or shouldn't be). Both parents are responsible for taking care of the kids, so by saying that one (usually the mom) is "caring" for the children and the other parent is "helping" out, it implies that the sole responsibility is for the mother - which is wrong on a number of levels. I guess we still have some way to go before people stop offering to take care of the dad who's left alone with his kids while mom's away...
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dancerctry
I love Gardening and Decorating
12:50 PM on 05/25/2012
So TRUE! My husband and son (3) grocery shop together all the time. They also take "Daddy Time" where it's just them but I call it Daddy Time, not "watch him for me while I do that". He doesn't "watch" our son he "cares for" our son, just like me. He hates when I say "my son" to him unless the action in question is Zach emulating one or more of his Mommy's many quirks. Bath time is Daddy's job but that's because I'm a Home Manager (Housewife implies I married the house and stay at home mom implies I never leave the house home manager works because I manage all household matters and care for everyone in it and their large variety of needs).

It's important that they have their own bond but he's not "babysitting" or "watching" Zach while he keeps him out of harm, as all parents do, that's what he's doing, parenting. Daddy time just is Daddy is the parent caring for him at the moment. We also take a lot of family time. The two of them melt my heart when together.
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Samantha Kemp-Jackson
11:59 PM on 05/25/2012
I totally agree! By saying that Dad is "watching" your child, the implication is that he is not as responsible for your son as you are - which is just unfair and wrong. You've raised another very important point as well - the need for both Mom and Dad to have their own special bonding time with a child that is of equal importance and value. We've got to work to get this idea that Dads are second rate or not that important in a child's life after Mom, because many of us know that this is not at all the case.
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dancerctry
I love Gardening and Decorating
03:54 PM on 05/26/2012
Maybe a few generations ago the Dad wasn't that interested in bonding but I think most Dad's today very much want their own bond with their kids. It's important not to get in the way of that.