I knew the number would be high, but I wasn't prepared for 67 per cent.
According to a new survey released today by the Canadian Women's Foundation, that's the percentage of Canadians who personally know a woman who's been physically or sexually abused.
Personally, I know dozens of women who have experienced violence, but then I've worked in women's organizations for many years.
There's my university friend who got married and went into a glamorous corporate career. She was always smiling, and seemed to have the perfect family. But behind closed doors, she lived in a private hell. Like most domestic abuse, it began with insults and name-calling. Over time, it escalated into physical abuse that finally got so bad she was forced to lock herself and her infant daughter in the bathroom to sleep -- it was the only door her enraged husband couldn't break down.
There's the professional writer who'd been sexually abused by her older brother from age 11 until she ran away from home at 17. She didn't tell anyone until her thirties, when her self-loathing and substance abuse got so bad she found a therapist. Still, it took a full year of counselling for her to even mention the abuse.
There's the Rhodes scholar who was stalked by a male acquaintance for years, to the point where she feared for her life and rarely went anywhere alone. She never went to the police because she was afraid that somehow -- even though she couldn't imagine how -- she had encouraged him. Even years later, you could still see the fear in her eyes. And she continued to blame herself.
There's the realtor who isolated herself from her family and friends to hide that her boyfriend would regularly leave her bloody and bruised. She'd been knocked unconscious, lost teeth and once he trapped her in a dark room for three days. Then she finally reached that door at the end of the hall and escaped. She lived in silence for years but now courageously uses her voice and her story to help others understand that the women who are abused are someone you know.
I know these stories because of the kind of work I do. Many women never tell anyone, and for good reason.
My university friend was convinced no one would one would believe her. In public, her husband seemed wonderful. She feared her friends would think her mad, that she would be blamed for the abuse. Then one day, she somehow found the courage to tell me.
If 67 per cent of Canadians already know a woman who's been physically or sexually abused -- when women rarely tell because they fear being blamed or not believed -- imagine what that number would be if the silence ended.
If someone you know is experiencing abuse, here's what you can do:
Follow Sandra Hawken Diaz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/cdnwomenfdn
Read more: http://www.ottawacitizen.com/health/Judge+orders+time+bomb+mother+take+meds+leave+family+home/7549810/story.html#ixzz2Ez36QNwN
I don't get why every time someone suggests that surprisingly large numbers of women face abuse, there is this instant backlash of "well men get abused too" or "if she doesn't like it why doesn't she just leave". If it were that simple then there wouldn't be a problem. It never seems to get through some people's heads that these very attitudes are part of the problem - the belief that women are always overreacting, or that they can just simply up and leave with no consequences. The most damaging, I think is this repeated whining that men have it rough too. That does not, and never will, justify keeping silent on issues of abuse against women. Supporting women in abusive situations does not take anything away from men, so stop worrying.
Yes. Don't hold your breath.
No matter how many and how much men protest such pieces, HuffPost will not budge. It is an ideologue whose purpose is not to be fair, to engage in objective discourse with views from which it may be dislodged. Its purpose is to create an image: The female as a morally superior victim who deserves to be given things for nothing. I'm reminded of the erstwhile efforts of men to create the image of the intellectually superior male.
However, further, there are no penalties made upon such women for false accusations, even when proven.
But what makes it truly intolerable, is that upon such accusations alone, a man is removed from his home, denied access to his children, sometimes has his banking accounts frozen, has all his firearms confiscated, must spend thousands of dollars on an attorney, and all the other oppression that come with the accusation.
And this happens with ONLY the accusation, which is used like a bludgeon by scorned females, to that effect even when no abuse occurred.
A hearing on the matter is scheduled no less than a month after all this occurs, and by then all the damage is done to the father and legal high ground is permanently achieved by the woman.
The VAWA is sexist by its title and inception.
If it was called the Violence against Humans Act, and if there were legal protections in place to prevent such abuse of it, then it would be good legislation.
As it is now, it is a discriminatory and horrific weapon used against men for the majority of cases.
I just summed up my story, I would need an entire column to tell you everything.
If you are in this situation, like I said, mental or physical, leave!!! The mental WILL lead to physical and you are so much better then that. No matter what you think or what he says.
Love all my fellow woman
After about 3 yrs of constant mental abuse I finally broke it off and it still did not end. He would stalk my friends and family. Hid in the basement and outside in the bushes of my place waiting for me. He would bang on my door endlessly, i would hide in the dark waiting for him to leave. After him getting into my head again I agreed to go to his place to hang out. I ended up being held in the basement until his parents finally heard my screams and his mother(?!?!) broke things up.
I finally had my mom and step dad decide i needed to leave the province, went across the country. It didn't stop. I was sent hundreds of texts, one would say we were soul mates, the next I was a waste of life. After I cleaned up and got strong I told him I had saved all those texts and would go to the police, he 'quit'. Four years later he still asks about me to mutual friends and tries to get my number.
No matter how bad it is you always hope they will change because you love the idea of what could be, and that besides fear, is what kept me around. But it will never get better so please just leave!!
An article about how many people know a woman being abused is factual and does not imply that men are not abused. Similarly, an article about wanting to raise awareness or end breast cancer (that affects primarily women) does not mean that other types of cancer (that affect only men) are less important. The fact that 67% of Canadians know a woman who has been physically or sexually abused is staggering and knowing how to help someone who discloses abuse to you is critical.
Martin S. Fiebert
Department of Psychology
California State University, Long Beach
Last updated: September 2008
Why is this research ignored? And why is the HIGHER rate of female vs. female (LESBIAN) violence ignored? ANS: Domestic violence is a purely POLITICAL issue, and a very lucrative one for the anti-male feminists.
A quick search online comes up with 30 national organizations in Canada to help abused women, there are less for children and none for men.
At least, that was my girlfriend's experience.
The abusive relationship her father had with her, which she could not escape, became a major issue and the base for how she understood men.
If you cannot escape, you accept, and later when you can escape from other abusive relationships you are already too screwed up to be able to understand what a healthy relationship is.
Wow, that makes me think of how much has changed over these last 5 years with her, from when we first met to who she is now.
Consider the radically different responses to a public slap across the face by a man to a woman vs a woman to a man. It would not surprise me to see several nearby Men run to defend the Woman if they saw her take a slap.
A man beating up another man - or even better, a woman beating up a man - would generally be cheered on.
The author of this piece does not do herself any favours by focussing on only one part of the issue.
http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorious_murders/women/wuornos/1.html
http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorious_murders/women/marybeth_tinning/index.html
Abuse is abuse be it man against woman, woman against man, parent against child, sibling abuse, etc etc etc. Please do not diminish the facts - look at them & as she states at the bottom of the article- use the tips.......
It's like affirmative action, doesn't make things "equal or fair" by making things unequal.