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I'm No Dating Coach But Vancouver Women Don't Need Archaic Advice

04/29/2014 03:19 EDT | Updated 06/29/2014 05:59 EDT

Aside from the fact that I think all dating advice is a load of crap, I really can't deal with a recent VanCity Buzz article, ostensibly written by a dating coach, titled "How Women Can Take The Initiative And Approach Men In Vancouver."

The post makes the assumption that all women are submissive, quiet, and shy (clearly the author has not met my friend Kristen), essentially concluding that we as a gender need help, not only approaching potential partners, but also taking charge of our lives.

In reality, women are kicking ass all over the place.

Further, why is being shy a negative thing? Whether or not a person has the gusto to approach a total stranger is hardly a testament to his or her character.

While I appreciate that the author's advice is about human interaction as opposed to just telling us to go on Tinder -- because NO I WILL NOT -- I find most of it offensive, ridiculous, or some combination of both.

Ignoring the handful of spelling and grammar mistakes (that just seems too easy at this point), I've highlighted and dissected some of the article's most bizarre passages.

HOW WOMEN CAN TAKE THE INITIATIVE AND APPROACH MEN IN VANCOUVER (or HOW PEOPLE CAN BE HUMANS ANYWHERE)

"Men don't approach women here" is almost a mantra coming from Vancouver women, and it's true. But the women here don't approach either. Wait, women approaching men? That's some crazy gender role breaking concept, but why can't a woman take the initiative?

I would argue that women approaching men ISN'T a gender role-breaking concept anymore. Even in high school I had friends who pursued and courted the boys they liked. Sure, many women still like the traditional man-takes-charge dynamic, but women approaching men is hardly new or groundbreaking. Pointing it out is almost archaic.

Waiting for other people to take action when you want something is akin to sitting in a restaurant and not ordering, but still expecting food to arrive.

Using the "advice" from this article is akin to jabbing forks into your eyes and expecting to feel happy.

Instead of hoping a knight in shining armor may show up it just may be time for Vancouver women to dawn the armor themselves. So choose your horse, suit up and learn how to say hi to a handsome stranger.

I know he's just using a metaphor here, but connecting boyfriends to knights in shining armour evokes the idea that women need to be saved. A partner is just that -- a partner. An equal.

There are three main 'weapons of communication' to engage a complete stranger available to women interested in taking the bull by the horns.

Only three!? Ladies, lean in. This is about to get REAL.

1. Eye contact/Smile

You will have to make the effort to connect with your eyes as you go about your day.

You hear that? To make eye contact with someone, you must CONNECT WITH YOUR EYES.

Engage everybody with eye contact to make your self approachable.

LOOK AT EVERYONE. STARE AT EVERYONE. DO NOT BLINK.

If you see someone of interest then hold eye contact, and if he holds it back flash your pearly whites.

*books teeth whitening appointment*

It's up to him to move in at this point.

DO NOT APPROACH. MAINTAIN AIR OF MYSTIQUE.

2. Commenting (Indirect approach) This is an excellent casual way to start a conversation with anyone for any reason.

Tip No. 150 for How To Be A Human.

It also has the potential for an instant 'Friend zone' because the other party may think you're just being conversational.

Be friendly. But not too friendly. Talk to him. But don't really talk to him. Make conversation. But not TOO much conversation. Stand on your head. Do the Dougie.

Just like with the first option however, this is a good way to filter out unassertive men. Assertive men will take notice of your effort and handle the rest.

Don't worry your pretty little simple head. Man Here To Make Thing Better.

And why are women only after assertive men? Some like 'em shy! Again, I don't see the connection between being timid and being worthy of a relationship.

3. Direct approach

In a nutshell it's basically saying, "I'm Sara and I like you."

I'm Sara and I really don't like this at all.

Get his attention with a simple 'excuse me', then tell him why you're there. It could be his sharp style, confident presence, hipster swag, or great smile.

Excuse me, but I can't hear myself think over your HIPSTER SWAG.

You decide, but don't say something more timid at the end and avoid telling him what you really like.

I can't even.

A woman who is willing to be bold has the option to make the first move instead of waiting for a man to read her mind. Take charge and get what you want.

Being bold, just like being assertive, is a personality trait. Some women have it, some don't; just like some men have it and some don't.

A "dating coach" shouldn't tell people how to change themselves to get a date -- instead, people should be encouraged to be confident in who they are and use their sparkly personalities to find someone right for them, whether they take the "bull by the horns" or not.

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