I'm one of those alcoholics who became an alcoholic from my first drink. My life truly went downhill from there. I made bad decisions, made myself a bad reputation and drank more to ease my depression.
I started smoking weed and drinking in ninth grade. I had suffered abandonment from both parents, being molested by a predator, abuse, suicidal thoughts and self-harm since I was about four-years-old. I grew to have psychological issues and drank to elevate and suppress them. My dad came back into my life and I lived with him, I stole from him to support my habit, and our relationship consisted of resentment and avoidance.
The first time I had some sobriety was when I found out I was pregnant. I was 16 and decided to give the baby up for adoption. For the grace of God my baby boy was born healthy. I chose not to meet the parents after I gave birth which I deeply regret. I chose not to have contact which I don't regret, given the course my life took for the next 12 years. He has the option to contact me when he turns 18-years-old. I hope he does.
I fell into a deep depression. I didn't feel anything anymore because I always had a drink. If I didn't I would use whoever and whatever I could. To get it. I thought not feeling pain was the only way to get over it. Only I was inviting more pain than I could imagine into my own life.
I was "that girl" at the bar. Enough drinks in me would get me into the beds of complete strangers. I woke up wondering where I was and how I got there. It would not be considered consensual in a legal sense with my state of intoxication thinking back to it now. The guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I had to keep myself intoxicated to keep my depression and anxiety at bay. Only it stopped working.
Having alienated myself from people to stop them from witnessing this mess I was, I started to drink alone. I would binge for days at a time. Hopeless that things would ever change or get better, not even alcohol or drugs would soothe my excruciating pain and loneliness. In fact, alcohol and drugs made it worse.
I attempted suicide at age 22.
I found myself in the psych ward, looking at who I had become. I hated my past. I hated my present. I hated myself and I always had. This was when I was first introduced to AA as well as rehabilitation.
I stayed sober for eight months before I relapsed. I went on for five more years, drinking, drugging, abusing my soul and body. I allowed people into my life who abused me physically, financially and mentally.
I truly felt I had no worth or hope of being someone deserving of success or happiness. Then I met Greg. He was my knight in shining armour. He rescued me from a bad living situation and let me live with him after knowing him a week. Yes, this was a crazy thing for us to do. But I was so happy. He helped me to find a job, drove me where I wanted to go. He was my best friend and my love. I thought I would marry him someday. But my addiction crept back in. My feelings of insecurity and worthlessness overwhelmed my desire to be sober and he packed my things, dropped me at the airport still drunk and left me forever.
At this point, I was devastated, alone, depressed and anxious. I knew if I continued to drink I would just keep feeling this way. I couldn't do this to myself anymore or ever again. Everything good in my life goes away because of my drinking. I'm left alone with my regrets and self-induced misery.
I'm now in Street Haven's treatment program where I sit writing this. I hope to find myself and learn to love this person. I hope to console my inner child who suffered so much because of the adults in her life. I hope to find forgiveness for people I've been wronged by as well as forgiveness for myself. I hope to be forgiven by those I've hurt and wronged over the years.
After everything I've done, everything I've been through. The feeling I get is hope.
Hope my psychiatric diagnosis can be helped with prescribed medication.
Hope I will have a place to live once I leave treatment.
Hope I will go to school and choose a fulfilling career and become a success.
Hope I will find happiness and love within my own self.
Hope I will eventually share my love and happiness who will reciprocate these feeling and become my true partner.
Hope that I can take things as they come with grace and deal with them sober.
Hope I can repair the relationship with my father.
All of my hopes I can achieve with hard work, dedication, perseverance and most importantly, sobriety.
I'm 28-years-old and only now am I beginning to truly live and become accountable to myself and others. I am taking this opportunity to get myself better mentally, physically and spiritually.
My spirit had been so damaged it was almost non-existent. Being in treatment has allowed me a safe environment to reconnect not necessarily to God, but to something much bigger than myself.
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