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Tetsuro Shigematsu

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Chinese Sex Scandal Shows The World Needs More Group Sex

Posted: 08/19/2012 3:48 pm

So maybe I was in that hotel room, or maybe I wasn't. One thing is for certain, I'm NOT going to make the same mistake my bosom buddy, senior Chinese official, Wang "The Wanger" Minsheng did by claiming my image was photoshopped in. Why? Because HuffPost readers can tell when something has been 'shopped.

So let me say for the record: that black bra I'm wearing is not mine. I borrowed that silky garment from Wang Yu's spouse. (Being the wife of the deputy secretary of the Youth League Committee of Hefei University in Anhui province has its perks.)

2012-08-19-003b.jpg

Yes, the whole Internet may be giggling over our cheesy group sex photos. Go ahead and laugh, but you'd be missing the bigger picture.

The world needs more group sex. Now I'm not talking about that drunken threesome back in college, where two guys who were once the best of friends, accidently crossed swords in the heat of passion and haven't spoken since. ("Wolfgang Alarcon", I sent you two FB friendship requests. The balls are in your court.)

No, I'm talking about high-level, Eyes Wide Shut sex fests. How people of power get off says a lot about them. Let's look at recent history shall we? George W. developed a hard-on for Saddam, because the strongman from Ouja tried to f*&% his daddy. So those weird Freudian overtones end up getting sublimated into the impulse to bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age.

But when Bill Clinton became frustrated, did he reach for the red button? No, he called in Ms. Lewinsky to play him some Air on the G String, (Baby's got Bach). Who would you rather have holding the nuclear codes? A leader who can get off by being blown, or a leader who can only get off by blowing things up?

Look how Japan evolved. They went from being maniacally focused on Imperial expansion. Now? Tentacle sex. What would you rather get hit in the face by? Kamikaze or Bukkake?

Also for the sake of you my dear readers, in the name of journalistic excellence I have studied these photos very closely. True to Communist Party's progressive history of striving for gender equality, I'm happy to report that for every act of fellatio, there was an equal opposite act of cunnilingus. Apparently, the Chinese favor other numbers besides 88.

MAD DIPLOMATIC SKILLZ

Also consider the logistical challenges of getting just one person into bed. Most spouses can't even negotiate a little bit of conjugal action on their birthdays. Now multiply that difficulty exponentially. In fact, I dare you to turn to your partner right now and propose an orgy this weekend with your co-workers. See how far you get. And while you'll get slapped upside the head, these folks pulled it off. Clearly, these are highly persuasive public servants with some mad diplomatic skillz!

But the biggest tragedy of all is now these fine folks are in serious trouble. All because they are in violation of an obscure statute forbidding "group licentiousness." They face up to five years in prison (where group sex never takes place).

This is a chance for Canada to do the right thing. I call upon the citizens of this great nation to grant these Chinese officials amnesty and safe harbor, and send a message to the rest of the world. While our neighbors to the south try to repeal their gay marriage acts and despite this very conservative Harper government, Canada continues to shine like a city on a hill, with our universal healthcare and same-sex marriage rights, we remain the Europe of North America.

In fact, I'd like to invite my hotel room friends to come directly to Vancouver.

We can coronate them as marshals in next year's Pride Parade, give them VIP passes to Sin City events, and hand them their own kiosk at Richmond's Night Market where they can hawk DVDs of their hotel-room masterpiece, The Peep Hole's Republic of China.

We could even send the newly minted Chinese-Canadians abroad to be our nation's sexual ambassadors. Imagine a bed full of Yoko Onos and their men imploring the rest of us to make love, not war, and hey baby, give my piece a chance.

 

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