I'm a big believer in the new thinking that whatever shows up in your life, you have created it or attracted. Because I truly believe you create and attract every experience, it leaves little room for me to function from a victim mentality or be able to blame others for any misfortune that might come my way.
So when things don't always go according to my plans, I'm forced to dig deep to ask myself what was and is going on that attracted his experience or this person in your life?
Lately I have been faced with making some major life-changing decisions. I have been keenly aware of my own resistance to change. There is a need for me to want things to remain the same.
I have ignored that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and held on to dear life because I was so afraid of what change might look like.
I wanted to hold on to things and people in order to prove that I'm worthy of love and that I can be loved at all times. I needed to always be chosen. Yet, upon deeper reflection, I realize that sometimes people need to choose themselves first. And just because someone has chosen to put their own needs and desires ahead of mine, that does not mean they do not love me, or cannot want what is best for me. It just means that in order to be fully developed and emotionally functioning human beings that sometimes the first and only choice must be ourselves. That has been a hard one for me to swallow but a valuable learning lesson.
I also realize that by holding on to something or someone for longer than necessary, does not make them/or it "belong" to you. It actually has the opposite effect. The stronger and longer you hold on to them, the more they will wish for freedom, they will desperately want to seek air outside of you. They will wish to see who they would become, if you fully allowed them the freedom to be who they would want to be, away from your tight grip, away from your watchful eye.
So I've been trying to love letting go, to be ok with someone taking flight without me. Be ok that their growth may not include me or include me in a different role/position. And I know if I truly love them I would want them to grow in order to be the best that they can be. This has been a hard journey and I daily struggle with my own childhood issues of abandonment, and I struggle with my own feelings, that I am disposable.
Yet, I'm aware of the "stories" that I tell myself in order to feel justified in my anger, hurt, and disappointment and I want to be mad and I want to yell and I want to dwell in an ocean of self-pity. But the truth is quite uncomplicated and very simple. This journey, this time in my life has come to an end.
Our journey as we know it, is complete. And maybe we may journey together on a different path, or we may just choose to travel alone or we may find others who will lovingly ask us to journey with them in order to teach us something new or for them to learn something from us. But whatever the outcome, the truth is, we must embrace change.
I can no longer resist the changes that have come uninvited or "invited" into my life. I have been praying a lot and meditating. I've been asking God to deliver light and love to a situation that sometimes I do not fully understand. I'm wishing to be at peace with myself, be at peace with others. I want to truly love everyone in my life, in the way I wish to be loved. I want a love that is kind, gentle and freeing.
I want someone to love me with great hope and purpose. I want them to nuture my happiness and delight in my joy! I want them to allow me to embrace and seek change. I want someone to encourage me to disappoint them in order to be true to myself. I want someone to love me even when I disappoint them.
So I sit here full with great love and aching disappointment.
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