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Trina Read


The Ordinary Moments That Affect Your Sex Life

Posted: 02/15/2013 7:15 am

A few years back...my husband took the homemade frozen muffins, put them on the bright blue IKEA plate, placed them in the microwave, turned to me and asked, "How long should these be in the microwave?"

Innocent enough question. But I was up at 3:00 a.m. with a teething baby, could not fall back to sleep until 5:00-ish when my baby, once again, woke up. I was exhausted and coming up with an answer was too much effort.

I looked at him bleary eyed with a confused haven't-had-my-first-cup-of-coffee brain and earnestly replied, "I don't know."

Then -- SHAZAM -- the complete frustration of always feeling totally responsible for everything child-related took over. And for one millisecond my mega-bitch came out and sarcastically replied every so softly, "Perhaps -- just once -- you could make that kind of decision yourself."

Of course he got mad. Said a few things I won't repeat. He heated up the muffins and, literally, threw them on the table for my toddler to eat. Stomped out of the kitchen and got ready for work.

I knew if nothing was done this would fester into an argument later that evening, so I made a peace offering by giving him a hug as he left for work. It was a cold hug but still it took both our guards down and made us more civil. It wasn't great but it was the best we could manage.

The "frozen muffin incident" lasted all of thirty seconds. Yet it's one of those minor things that can have a major impact on a relationship...and sex.

Frozen muffin moments can completely annihilate the ability to be intimate and connected. Because I can say with all sincerity in that moment I sure as heck didn't want to have sex with him. And if it wasn't for the hug the anger could have lingered for days, affecting the well being of our relationship.

However, it did get me thinking about how the universe can turn on a dime.

If instead my husband would have seen how tired I was and given me a mini-back rub. Or taken the kids. Or said, "Go back to bed and sleep for another half and hour." I would have certainly been more open for sex.

And I, understanding that he's not a mind reader and needing him to understand that I was on-the-edge of a meltdown should have said as much.

And so it seems the quality of our sex lives hangs in the balance of these ordinary life moments that have little to nothing to do with sex.

So when couples ask me, "How can we start having sex after kids?" I implore them to look at their frozen muffin moments. Too many added up over time will mean a frozen muffin sexual incompatibility.

And just as easily, they can be reconciled and turned around in a matter of seconds. Remember: In the "frozen muffin moment" it's really up to you and your partner which way you want your relationship to go.

Choose to support and take care of each other.

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  • Top Turn-Ons

    Women's top turn-on was "feelings of love" for their partner, followed by "when your partner takes initiative." Men's top turn-on was "seeing your partner in sexy clothes," followed by "feelings of love."

  • Men Marry Their Best Sexual Partner

    Did you marry the best sex of your life? Turns out 68 percent of men tied the knot with their best sexual partner. Only 45 percent of women said the same.

  • Number Of Partners

    When asked how many sexual partners they have had, the most common response among men was six to 10 (25 percent chose this answer). The most common response among women was two to five (31 percent chose this answer). Yet, 19 percent of both men and women reported having just one sexual partner.

  • Men Watch More Porn Than Women Think

    Although 42 percent of women said their spouse never watches online porn, only 21 percent of men agreed. Sixty-three percent of women said they never watch porn.

  • We Don't Know What Our Spouse Is Thinking

    It seems that we often don't really know what our partner thinks about our sex life. Though 79 percent of men think their wives are happy with their sex lives, only 61 percent of women said they are. And though 55 percent of women think their husbands are happy with their sex lives, 79 percent said they are.

  • Sex Gets Worse Post-Baby

    Babies may be a blessing, but they might not help your sex life. Fifty-two percent of women and 49 percent of men said they had better sex before they had kids.

  • What Men Want

    The most popular desire on men's "sex wish list" was that their partner would initiate sex more often (42 percent). More oral sex was next (41 percent), followed by anal sex (30 percent).

  • What Women Want

    What do women want more of in bed? Foreplay (35 percent), to hear more loving things (32 percent), for their husband to last longer (28 percent) and oral sex (22 percent), according to the survey.

  • Men Cheat More And Are Less Trusting

    Men admit to cheating more than women (28 percent vs. 13 percent), and are more likely than women to say they'd have an affair if there was zero percent chance they'd get caught (32 percent vs. 13 percent). At the same time, 34 percent of men say they've checked their wife's phone for evidence of cheating, compared to 20 percent of women. And if they could cheat, who would it be with? Among men, 21 percent said a celebrity and 20 percent said a friend's spouse. Among women, 39 percent said an old flame and 24 percent said a casual acquaintance.

  • How Happy Married People Really Are

    On average, a majority of people reported being happy with their sex lives, though there was a noticeable gender gap -- 61 percent of women and 80 percent of men said they were satisfied.


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