Mr. Peanut is dead, long live Mr. Peanut.
The popular, possibly capitalistic cannibalistic baron, was killed off in a Super Bowl advertisement Thursday, prompting an outpouring of support across the Internet. Because it’s 2020 and we mourn the death of a fictional brand peanut.
People had been trying to kill Mr. Peanut for years. And now that the deed is done, it begs the question of how and why mascots must die. Sometimes they age out. Sometimes the brands shift focus. Sometimes someone finally points out how creepy they are.
Whatever the case, many brands send off their mascots quietly into the night, while others use elaborate social media campaigns and hashtags.
And with that we must ask: Which Canadian mascots most deserve the sweet release of death?
Deserving of death
Pee and Poo
This should be self-explanatory. The mascots for the City of Vancouver’s awareness campaign about what can be flushed down the drain are beyond the point of parody.
Flush them into the sweet abyss of death, please and thank you.
Colonel Kernel and friends
What makes these sentient popcorn creatures deserving of death? Everything about them. The big-chinned heroic one — apparently named Captain — embodies toxic masculinity. And then there’s Colonel Kernel himself, who seems constantly to be leading his team into situations that involve getting eaten. Terrible leadership!
While we know Tanner Z’s fate, it remains to be seen if the popcorn kernels will get the death they deserve as Cineplex transitions to its new owner, Cineworld.
The Talking Tubers
You may not have heard of the Potato World Museum in New Brunswick’s terrible, horrifying spokespotatoes, but when you do you will know they deserve death.
These two are named Trevor and Pierrette, and they educate kids about potatoes. Only their mouths move, while their dark soulless eyes stare into your very being.
Burn them. Fry them. Mash them. Just get them away from me.
Another controversial mascot whose days are numbered is the extraterrestrial spokesman for Edmonton’s Galaxyland theme park in West Edmonton Mall. The park recently announced a branding partnership with Hasbro that will likely see this bulbous yellow monster replaced with My Little Ponies.
Shoot him back into space where he belongs.
Harvey the Hound
I have so many questions about the Calgary Flames’ mascot, most notably: why is his tongue so long?? Seriously, it’s horrifying. Make it stop. Burn it with fire.
The Big Stick
When choosing a mascot to anthropomorphize, Maple Leaf Foods had so many options, chief among them a literal maple leaf. But Maple Leaf foods wanted to be trend-setters, and that’s how we got the eldritch horror that is the Big Stick.
Have you ever thought, “imagine a person, but bologna, but also sort of looking like a condom?” Then you’re likely the genius behind the Big Stick.
Everything about him is awful. From the expression on his face to the weird set of black dots on his. He should not be alive. Let’s put him out of his misery. It’s for his own good.
The A&W Guy
By no means am I arguing for the death of an actual human being. That would be crass. Would I love it if this roving man who tricks people into eating Beyond Meat burgers stop that? Yes.
Remember the sidekick trainee Ryan? In 2015 he mysteriously disappeared from the ads, leaving behind only the main guy, Allen. What happened to Ryan? Seems suspicious if you ask me.
Set the A&W guy up with a nice retirement package. Send him to Vancouver Island to peacefully step back from royal duties, avoid the paparazzi and become financially independent. It’s time to move on.
The New Gainer the Gopher
This summer, the Saskatchewan Roughriders’ beloved mascot Gainer got a bit of a controversial makeover. I firmly believe the original, sweet Gainer has been replaced by an awful imposter. When the doppelganger is killed, the true Gainer shall return to the light of the day as intended by fate. Let’s get him back!
Already gone, and good riddance
Hidy and Howdy
Olympic mascots seem easy to get right. A fun character representing the spirit of sport in the host city? Seems easy. Look at the adorable mascots mobilized for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.
Hidy and Howdy are not that.
The pair of anthropomorphized bears are ostensibly polar bears in Western outfits were meant to welcome visitors to the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. They’re creepy, apparently twins and easily the stuff of nightmares.
In the years around the Olympics, they were actually played by high school students from Calgary. They were put into retirement, briefly appearing in the hit film ‘Cool Runnings’ before going on only to exist in promotional material and signs around the city.
In 2007, they were formally retired and laid to rest in the Canada Sports Hall of Fame. May we all pray they never escape the underworld.
The VIA Rail train
The less said the better. When this comes back we’ll truly know it’s the end times. True nightmare fuel.