I spent the other night consoling a friend as he languished in frustration over his girlfriend. It seems they had fallen upon rough times and if I let him tell his side of the story, it was all her fault. However, I'm not sure I completely agree.
The problem he was having with his girlfriend wasn't anything new. In fact, it was the thing that had attracted him to her in the first place. She was a "bad girl" -- sassy, a girl with an attitude, and that "Je ne sais quoi" factor, and oozing sex appeal. But, now he wanted her to be a good girl -- a sweet girl. One who didn't nag him, was drama-free, and someone who was more supportive than judgmental. My dear friend wanted her to be someone she never professed to be...a good girl.
The problem is there is something alluring, attractive about that bad girl. She is independent, she makes you work for her attention, she's fun, exciting, possibly eye candy and you're never really sure whether she is yours. In the end it all comes back to the Game.
I am a self-professed good girl. The girl who believes it is courteous to reply to a call, text, or e-mail as I receive them.... none of this "I'll make him wait" or let's play "the game." ... It is a hard line to toe. I can't deny I've been tempted to enter the other side and be that "bad girl" but I've been cursed by the inability to feel morally right playing "the game." (Damn it!!!)
So, instead I have no other choice but to build a case for the good girl.
1. Rooted in values.
A good girl is governed by her values and principals. In some cases her faith may be the driving force and in most others, good girls just subscribe to be morally right. In this day in age that's a rarity. We're kind, generous, pleasant, and understand the importance of simply being a good person. Our values are our internal compasses, and because we are so hard-wired to point in the direction of "good" you never have to second guess our actions.
2. Moms love us.
Admittedly, this is a double-edged sword. In fact, I suggest abstaining from introducing your mom until you are certain we are wifey material because we instantly become BFFs with moms. It is almost as if a high frequency alerts mothers of a woman's intention with her son. With us in your company, your mother knows she doesn't have to ever worry. However, if the relationship does end your mom will forever compare every other girl that you date to us. We've raised the bar on excellence and left some big shoes to fill for the next girl that comes along.
3. Loyal to the end.
It's a fact good girls have written the book on fidelity and commitment. This kind of goes back to being rooted in values. A good girl would sooner be condemned to a life of singleness than to ever cheat on the man she loves and cares for. The concept of ever cheating is as foreign to a good girl as a Russian film in mandarin sub-titles. And because your beloved good girl is so loyal you don't have to worry about having your heart broken. (I wouldn't be surprised if your risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection also lowers with this cohort of women). Good girls handle love with bubble wrap.
4. Just because we're nice doesn't mean we are pushovers.
Contrary to mythical perceptions good girls do have a spine. We might not like to nag and prefer being in good spirits than contentious, but keep testing us and you will see our tipping point -- and woe to the recipient. Try cheating on a good girl and see if she'll take you back. She'll drop you like a bad habit and have you really regretting your actions, all the while your mother has now disowned you because your good girl is no longer around. Please don't test us! Our bite may not be as obvious as a bad girl, but it is as lethal as a King Cobra's venum. In the worst case scenario your good girl may now become a bad girl, breaking other men's heart left, right, and center and leaving behind her a trail of destruction.
I'll admit that a bad girl may be appealing. They speak to a man's Darwinistic nature of "the chase." But, perhaps if you can subdue your primal calling for a moment you'll recognize what you're really striving for is the keeper, embodied in the good girl.
You don't believe me -- just ask my friend who is trying to tame his bad girl. But, don't sleep on a good girl... While you're out their canoodling with a bad girl and trying to tame that wild stallion there are the wise men that know they've lucked out when they encounter the rare breed of a good girl. These men must have had one too many encounters with a bad girl to have finally wised up. They'll move heaven and earth just for a chance.
If in the end, all you really want is a good girl, why not save yourself the aggravation and go for a good girl now? Besides you can always add elements that you like in a bad girl to a good girl, but it's very difficult (if not impossible) to make a bad girl become a good girl.
Your relationship non-expert, good girl,
So maybe you don't have a six-pack or a Master's degree — there's no reason why you shouldn't be yourself on your profile, says <a href="http://shannyinthecity.com/about/">Shannon Tebb</a>, a dating consultant based in Toronto. Tebb adds you should never lie about your weight or job, and honesty is the best way to start a relationship. Also, if it is your first time using a dating site, don't be afraid to state it on your profile.
There's nothing, we repeat, nothing sexy about a spelling mistake on your dating profile. Experts at Lavalife.com add this can <a href="http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/lavalife-delivers-10-golden-rules-to-improve-your-dating-game-185536162.html">indicate a lack of care</a> to other users.
Once you start researching dating sites, you're going to find many to choose from. Depending on what you're looking for (paid services, free sites or ethnic-specific sites, for example), always stick to one. "Don't overwhelm yourself, stick to one first. You may get too many messages and may not have the energy to respond to them all," Tebb says.
Eating, travelling, working out — most people tend to write these "hot topic words" on their online dating profiles. In 2013, get more specific and if you can, <a href="http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/lavalife-delivers-10-golden-rules-to-improve-your-dating-game-185536162.html">describe ideal dates or your favourite memories instead</a>, LavaLife.com adds.
What are you looking for? Casual dating? Hook-ups? A long-term relationship? Tebb says when writing your profile page, make sure your expectations are visible. "This will help you weed out the people who aren't looking for what you want," she says.
One study found profiles with pictures get <a href="http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/lavalife-delivers-10-golden-rules-to-improve-your-dating-game-185536162.html">eight times the response compared to those without</a>, according to Lavalife.com. When you're putting up photos, try choosing professional ones and add variety to show off some of your interests and hobbies.
If you do enter into a relationship or seem to have exhausted all your possibilities on a site, Tebb recommends deleting your account. This way, you're not distracted and can focus on another site or method of dating.
Before you make your profile public, ask a <a href="http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/lavalife-delivers-10-golden-rules-to-improve-your-dating-game-185536162.html">close friend to proofread it for you</a>, according to Lavalife.com. Your friends will give you an honest opinion and help you find the perfect picture.
If you just started a new hobby or attended an event in your city, make sure you keep your profile updated with news, Tebb adds. Also, keep your page light — don't overwhelm users with your past relationships or what you're not looking for.
So maybe you won't find love, but this doesn't mean you should quit. If you haven't met someone you mesh with, Tebb suggests using one site for at least three months before moving on.
Follow Nicole Forrester on Twitter: www.twitter.com/nicoleforrester