This is for all the expectant families out there. We all love our moms, but does the idea of having your mom at your birth make you shudder and consider moving to another country to have your baby? And even if it's not quite that bad, do you still feel a little less than certain about having your loved ones hang out in the delivery room while you're in labour?
Managing family expectations when you are expecting can suck. Pregnancy is hard enough with everyone offering opinions, suggestions and unsolicited advice. But when you add family dynamics and relationships to your already busy schedule and swirling emotions, it can make for a tense time. You don't want to upset your mother, or mother-in-law, but you also have your own thoughts and ideas of what your birth experience will be like, and those two things don't always have a lot of common ground.
So what do you do?
If it's extended family:
Just because Aunt Susan and Cousin Becky want to be in the room doesn't mean they get to be. This is one of those times where you probably don't have to be quite as careful with your wording. A firm "Thank you for being so excited for us, we will be thrilled to introduce you to the baby when we feel up to having guests." will suffice.
If it's your mother-in-law:
This is where tact is going to be really important, because this is not a person you can easily avoid in the future. You don't necessarily want to be blunt during this conversation (I don't recommend gasping in horror and asking, "Are you insane?"), but you do need to establish boundaries now, before baby arrives.
Your mother-in-law is excited because her baby is about to have a baby of their own, and she's probably not thinking how horrified she would have been if her MIL had wanted to be in the room. If you want to talk to her directly, tell her gently that you'll appreciate all her love and cheerleading, but don't want a crowd in the room.
If you don't want to have the conversation yourself, either because you have a terrible poker face or because you don't think you can be firm enough, it's OK to send your partner to talk to their mom.
If it's your own mother:
This one can be even harder because there is a lifetime of relationship there. This is also where, unintentionally, guilt can be laid as grandmothers-to-be get excited to meet their grandchild. There is a feeling of connection to history, a mother supporting her child in birth, that can drive the desire of a mother to be at the birth. It can also be what drives you to desire your mother there.
But if you, for any reason, do not want your mother in the room — that is OK. And it is OK to be clear and open about that. While it might hurt her feelings in the short term, she does want you to be happy, and she trusts you to know what you need
If it's your partner:
This can be a difficult conversation for couples, but people would be amazed at how many families make this choice. There are so many reasons for a mother to wish to be alone in the birthing room. Sometimes a person doesn't want their partner in the room during the birth at all, sometimes they don't want them there for pushing. Whatever is right for your family is right! Don't let anyone, including medical staff, tell you that it isn't OK.
If being polite and firm simply doesn't work:
You can talk for days, but sometimes the person you are talking to will only hear what they want to hear. There are a few things you can fall back on in these scenarios.
The first, and easiest, is to not tell them when you are in labour. Save the phone calls for after your baby has arrived. If that isn't possible, remember that the nurse is your friend and they are on your side. They cannot, and will not, reveal information to family without your permission. And that includes your room number and even whether or not you are a patient there.
If you don't want people coming in and out of your room during your labour, letting your care team know so that they can help you is a great way to take the stress off your shoulders.
More from HuffPost Canada:
For many people, birth is an intimate and vulnerable moment in their lives. Who is there to support you and how comfortable you feel is important. You may not always have control over who your doctor is, who the nurses are, or even how you give birth, but your support people should make you feel supported.
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